I cant stop eating. Depression=eating for me. I'm so sick of eating too. Tonight I ate an entire bowl of banana pudding with fat free cool whip and I still feel disgusting. I crave going walking at night but it's either raining or too freakin cold. I just gotta do it. I told Dan, I need a good sweat. No, Dan, sex doesnt count.

I called my nurses today to tell them I'm skipping this cycle....for many reasons. My body needs a break, I need to lose 10 lbs in the next month, deductibles will be due in the new year which increases our  IUI cost. Maybe I should start playin the lotto.

Pray for Dan's Haiti trip. They are concerned about the rising election chaos in Haiti and for safety reasons the group is contemplating postponing the trip. Also pray that the funds are provided. We need $1,000 more in the next 4 weeks....which is very overwhelming to us.

I really dont want to think of going into this new year overwhelmed by future decisions and money matters and such. I want to be at peace about it all. I have been for a long time but recently everything is so up in the air.

I'm still numb, still bleeding, still fighting the migraines. I made an appt to see a new nurse practitioner ( mine moved to CA ) in January. It's time to get back on anti depressants and Ambien. This weather does me no good and i cannot shut my mind off at night. Now hows that for honesty?

yuck

Without getting graphic or TMI, lets just say it's over. I know this for a fact now after a visit to the restroom.

I'm extremely crampy and bloated, I think more than I've ever been, ever.

I do not feel God with me, I do not talk to him throughout my day. ( i realize he's just waiting for me to get out of this fog )I gotta snap out of it. i need to continue to be an example. but i gotta talk to him first.


Last night I laid around, fighting a migraine and cramps. My mom was here doing things around the house as I laid in bed. At 8:30 she tried to get me out of bed, and I told her I really cant move or I'd likely puke. She asked Dan what she should do, and started crying. She said you've got 18 friends outside ready to sing you carols. So they started singing carols through the living room window ( which is 20 feet from my bedroom )
I moved to the couch covering up my bawling eyes and listened to their sweet voices. ( 80% Of them are singers, so it was so great to hear )
My mom and sisters served them hot cider and cookies outside afterward, and only a couple people came in, so it wouldnt overwhelm me. They wrote sweet notes and it made my night.

Back to Reality

well that was a nice shopping hiatus.
But then reality hits.

I felt really sluggish again this morning, but I had to muster up energy to go sit and sing carols with my sisters/mom at my grandma's assisted living home. ( it bring them GREAT joy )
I stuffed down a small lunch but I was still so shakey.
We sang for 45 minutes, I had to remind myself to smile and act jolly.
By the time we were done I was NOT feeling like myself. I was in a fog, dizzy, nauseous and couldnt get home soon enough. My mom dropped Bryn and I back home and I crashed on my bed. Dan had to take my shoes off and get me situated. I cant explain how off I felt.
After laying down for 45 minutes or so I reluctantly got up, because my bladder told me so.
Sure enough, I'm bleeding. My poor body is like, wait, what? You want me to do what?? Awe helllllll nah.

Shoe Therapy?

You should know, it's rare when I buy shoes for myself. It's MAYBE twice a year. And I dont spend a lot, and never ever pay retail. I buy shoes for Bryn monthly because she grows like a weed. So ya, I got all these shoes for under $50, total.


Puma's for $18 ( retail for 45 )

Red Rain Boots $12 ( were 35? at Macys ) ( sibling pics for my parents christmas...shhh )

More rainboots for Bryn $12 on sale ( Kamik ) I cannot own enough of these for her. She just ripped a pair, so this is the replacement.

Gap for Bryn $6

Yesterday was really hard. I cry throughout the day. I just try not to think of it. I'm still cramping and very sluggish.
Praying isnt giving me comfort, so, I'll be honest, I shop. Thankfully i have Bryn's birthday in a couple weeks
so I have that to focus on, kinda.

I ordered these awesome cardboard suitcases. They match her room, and I'll likely keep 2 of the bigger ones on her dresser and the littlest one will be used to carry her "stuff" in when she goes to grams house. ( coloring stuff and dolls )

And for me: Over the past few years my eyelashes have dwindled. It's very sad. I've always wanted to try a serum to give them life again, but they usually cost over $100, easy.
Luckily for me, hautelook had Lashinaflash Serum for only $25.( retails for 100 ) So I snatched it up. It'll last me 2 months and it's a money back guarantee.
So when it arrives, you, my faithful readers will get the joy of watching my lashes grow. I'll post pics and reviews ( i might even do it on my other blog too )

In other news, here's my Christmas picture series.

Beta is 6.

God, why have you forsaken me?

12.20.10

Last night I had really really dull low back pain, it was painful. Enough for me to blind fully reach over for the vicodin at midnight. This has me worried, as I'm just now remembering my fear for an ectopic.
To make things worse, i told bryn i was going to have a baby a few days ago, and now several times a day she asks to hold the baby.

Going to church yesterday helped my spirits a bit. A couple friends reminded me of their very very low beta stories, and that helped too ( Thanks Tabitha and Emily ) But as I'm sitting here ready to go get my blood drawn, I'm just blah. I'm not even anxious. I am expecting it to be bad news. Maybe it's the shield I put up around my heart.

I'd rather it go down than to go up by 20. Because if it barely goes up, that just means more bloodwork...and ultimately more bad news.
We have spent over $3,000 cash ( so far) and have been trying all year to no avail. A girl can only take so much.

( thank you for those who comment, I take every comment to heart...especially those of you coming out of the woodwork, love you and appreciate you )

Beta #2

36.

You cant even begin to know how devastated I am. This number haunts me. It is the same number I had at 15 or 16 dpiui ( cant remember now )with my July miscarriage.
I'm numb, suffering from a migraine and pretty much wanna jump off a cliff.

Migraine

This is my second major migraine this month. It is ALWAYS in the same spot on my head and it's starting to worry me. I have vicodin I could take, however, the effects on  me would throw off my entire day, and it's 6am.
I got 30 minutes of sleep...and my beta test is in 1.5 hours. Lord help me get through this day.

Beta #1

Well beta number one is 23, at 13dpiui. ( anything over 5 is pregnant, and for my last iui cycle, it was 16dpiui with a 36 beta, so this is a good start )

My friend Kelley reminded me that any lower, and I'd be panicking, and any higher I'd be panicking. I kept telling her of my fear of multiples this time around, but now that it' 23, I'm a little less stressed about it. It's a risk I knowingly take when taking fertility drugs.

So I hang on once again til Friday for beta number two. Then Monday, Then Wednesday then Friday. Oh the joys of beta testing.

Thank you all for your support, I really really would like you to be praying that this baby grows and is healthy and I have a great full term pregnancy!!


*note, the past 3 days I get nauseous around 4pm*

12dpiui Test

Now we're talkin

11dpiui test

It's so stinkin light. you have to really stare...i'm an expert. ( it's a side by side line to the left of the T )

11dpiui

At our church, you can "adopt" someone ( who is less fortunate )for Christmas gifts. So yesterday I picked up a packet for a 9 month old girl. The "needs" were diapers, wipes and formula. The "wants" were blankets and onesies. Boy is the humbling, the fact that her want list is so simple. Babies do not need all the bells and whistles they have out there. ( like wipe warmers and shopping cart covers. )
So off I went, shopping for the needs first. Can I tell you, I had to look up online what size diaper a 9 month old wears? And I was quickly reminded how expensive formula can be? It's allllll coming back to me.

And for good reason.


11dpiui, and I find myself staring at a pregnancy test with a second line. yes, it's very early still, but it's a very very faint line. A line is a line. So as you imagine, I'll be testing every day this week, til my Beta on Friday. Lets pray this baby sticks and that this is indeed real.

PS. I'm not announcing ANYTHING ...ANYTHING to anyone until I've heard/seen a heartbeat. My family will know on Christmas morning. And only you readers know what's up.

2 sleeps til I test.
As I was planning the future kick ass nursery ( It's a constant thing for me..) little bits of doubt creeped in. Like I found myself saying in my head, you're likely not pregnant, so stop planning. How sad.
For cryin outloud I have a design board for my unborn child's nursery plan. I need to settle down a bit.

Low dull cramping again today, nothing new, nothin to be alarmed about....it's likely the progesterone.

When doubt creeps in, like it did today, I truly find myself singing "He is Lord" to get the devil out of my head. He IS Lord, He's the creator of life, ANYTHING is possible through him.

So once again, I sing to you..( forgive the cheese, and forgive the fact i'm laying down so there is a couple flats )

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/8015814/21266919

5dpiui

So here I am 5dpiui. The Lord has answered my prayers in that I want to not think of this 2ww. Maybe once a day it crosses my mind, which is very very good for me. I havent been sleeping well, that's thanks to my estrogen and progesterone no doubt. Little bit more cramping today. I'm debating whether I should test on Monday, which is 11dpiui. I have got light positives on that day before, but it is kinda torture. Thoughts?

IUI today

What a great day.

Dan and I went to the clinic, while my youngest sister babysat ( clueless as to what we were doing. )
We prayed outloud the entire way there. We prayed for everything involving the IUI, the nurses, the people working behind the scenes for us, for my body, prayed for all my IF sisters that are now pregnant, and for those who are still trying and for many other things, including praises too.
We were giddy when we arrived, felt very positive. Cash in hand ( which was a last minute miracle from God, seriously ) we paid off the IUI and went upstairs to get our sperm ( lol )
The paper arrived in front of us with glorious numbers. 30 million post wash ( 192 million pre wash ) awesome motility, awesome morph and everything else. I was SO pleased and Dan was relieved.
We went downstairs just glowing, with our sperm in the bottle, as I tightly had it in my grip.
My nurses were fantastic as always. I laid there listening to my nurse telling me how nearly identical this cycle is to the one I had with Brynlee. It has taken this long for me to have a cycle like this. God knows what he's doing.
The IUI was painless, didnt even feel a thing. We laid there for 25 minutes and off we went, just glowing and thankful and at peace.

So here I sit, it's 11pm and I'm so FULL I cant explain it. Insane cramping and such, but I'm not complaining :)

So here comes the 2 week wait. I'm praying I'm staying busy.
Thanks for your support girls.

IUI a go

Thank you for your prayers, emails and texts. They were heard and I had peace.
I have THREE follicles to work with, and I got triggered today. Doesnt get much better than that. Once again she complimented me on my beautiful big follicles *awe shucks* and after looking at my history and contemplating whether to trigger today or tomorrow, she felt good about today. I had my sister with me, and she certainly learned a lot. It's different when you actually get to see things on an ultrasound.
My lining is a 7 which is great.

My IUI is 11:15 tomorrow. Pray for Dan, Dan's numbers, and that we get one beautiful embryo out of this.
I love the Lord, and I love that it's been 6 months since my last iui, and yet, he kept me busy, and full of hope for this cycle.

December 1

Yesterday, after my appt, I gained the worst migraine Of.My.Life. I've never been so crippled and nauseous ever. From 2pm til 11pm I suffered. I only passed out because I managed to find Vicodin. But I was still fighting throwing up...actually, still am.

So today I have another ultrasound at 1pm, and my sister ( Suz ) is driving me there. So that'll be interesting. My family knows I'm doing an IUI "sometime" in December but has no clue how close I am. I like to confuse them with general dates, especially because I'll know if I'm pregnant the week before Christmas, and I'll wanna tie that in to Christmas morning...

She'll get to see my follicle ultrasound and possibly trigger shot. I like it because she'll get a taste of what I do all the time and I know she'll appreciate it.

So today I'm a couch mom. I'll be parenting from the couch. Rudolph is on, Bryn is happy and painting too.

Stay tuned.

Well ...

Well I'm down to 2 potential eggs...sizes 15 and 18 . So who knows how long I'll be at this ultrasound thing. I'm likely going in for the next 3 days. I left with a headache because I'm sad I'm down to 2, and they looked at my  chart I had with Brynlee, and I had 3 follicles, biggest being 23.5. I doubt I can pull out a 23. I'm cramping like crazy, maybe the result of that other one fizzling off. We'll see. Kinda have a bad attitude right now.

Nov 30

The cramps this early a.m is a reminder that I'm growing eggs.

Appt is at 1. Say a prayer that today is a trigger kind of day.

Good news

I always pray outloud, the entire way to my appts, and after leaving I find things to praise HIM for.

So today I had prayed and prayed for good healthy follicles. And the Lord gave me that. I have 3 beautiful follicles, 16,17,18. I'm now praying that I grow them nice and big by TOMORROW. I have another ultrasound at 1pm and I'm hoping that I have a good boost overnight and am able to trigger tomorrow for a Wednesday IUI. I'm super optimistic reguardless of when it goes down.

We're pretty broke right now, especially due to the fact that I'm done Christmas shopping ( and I didnt spend a ton this year ) and that we are preparing for Dan's Haiti trip. But I cannot worry about that. God WILL provide.

CD 11?

Tomorrow is my first u/s for follicles check. Yay. I know I'm not ready, I feel it, but still thankful I'm going in early this time. Likely have an IUI by the week's end ( yayayayay! )

We had a great Thanksgiving. Now I have more weight to lose, but I think it'll be fairly easy. I feel sick and dont feel like eating for a week.

Bryn has been so vocal lately. She's learnin her colors and letters and ABC's currently. She got this awesome leapfrog toy that helps her draw shapes and letters...she loves it because it's like my laptop. She asked the "girl" in the mirror if she could play with her....then proceeded to pretend that our cat was sick and needed treatment from her, the doctor. She's starting to understand Dan's job, and it's quite humorous. The first time I told her Dan was a nurse ( like a doctor ) she thought about it for a sec, and said, nooooooooooo ..in a very sarcastic tone. Like, no way mom.

Dan's parents were here for the week and spoiled Brynlee to death. So now tomorrow it's back to reality.

Feeling left behind. A lil forgotten too. I spend a lot of time encouraging others, mostly strangers dealing with IF, but these days I'm feeling forgotten! I've got friends that have gone on to be pregnant, and slowly fade away. It hurts a bit, and I hope that I dont become like that....it's something you got to be aware of at all times. I always wanna be an encouragement and an ear for women that are struggling, with or without a baby in me.

Just feeling behind.

CD1

hey atleast I'm consistant

Long time no blog

I think i'm 12dpo? 13? Who knows. Tested last night,big fat negative, as usual.

We had a nice weekend away at the beach house at Ocean Shores. It was actually fairly warm and a beautiful sunny day on Friday. Nice to just be lazy and play games inside when it did rain on saturday and sunday. Even a walk on the beach in the rain is heaven for me.

In other news, Dan is going to Haiti. I am so so excited that God provided this opportunity through our church. He leaves Feb 18 and is back Feb 28. He'll be going 60 minutes north of Port au prince, where there are 300,000 people, and only ONE "clinic"  hospital. Because of the cholera outbreak there, almost 1000 are dead now, and because people arent drinking the water there, they are growing dehydrated and dying quickly. He'll be working at this "hospital" ( its really a large tent ) with 25 or so, other medical professionals to not only help the sick, assist in surgeries ( yikes ) but also help them get a routine down.

I am so. SO. jealous. The ONLY reason I am not going, is because I plan on being pregnant by then. Which is obviously the BEST reason for not going. However, the devil on my shoulder is saying I wont be pregnant by then, so just go.

Anyways...we have $1500 to raise in a short amount of time. Please pray that the funds are provided and people will come forward to help.

Nov 7

My daughter, my 2 yr old daughter, prayed today. She cant wipe her own butt yet and she PRAYED.

Talk about a humbling experience. She closed her sweet little eyes, folded her hands, said some jibberish and said a very clear AMEN. I can only imagine what the Holy Spirit had to translate to our father, but I imagine a huge smile.

Today I am EXTREMELY thankful for her sunday school teachers. The fact that she asks me daily to go to "chooch" and "class" speaks volumes.

THIS is what life is about.

UGH.

7.7 is my progesterone. I likely ovulated 2-3 days ago. I'm so pissed. I mean, yes, thank you Lord that I ovulated, but grrrr that it was so early. Never have I had this happen. Devastated that I have to wait yet another month. WHY!?!?!?!?!?!

WTF

This happened to me in June. You go in to your appt with 2 options in your head of how the appt will go. And then you get a 3rd option from left field that is neither good nor bad, just a mystery.

No. Follicles.

None. Zilch.

I'm stumped. My lining is great, nurse says it doesnt appear I ovulated. I'm waiting on my progesterone levels to see if I did ovulate ( if i did, it's super early for me)...tryin to  allow myself to have hope that I'll just ovulate way late...

I dont know what to think.

CD15

Hollllllly cramps. I'm tellin ya. I must have 3 follies or 2 huge ones. I cannot suck in, ANYTHING. I havent felt this "full" in a looong time.

I rescheduled my appt til tomorrow morning at 8:45. Stay tuned.

CD11

Barely slept last night, woke up to some cramping this morning, moreso on my left side..

CD10 10.28.10

Nothin to report right now. I'm CD10...the clomid made me very sleepless. I was so tired at night but couldnt fall asleep. It was bad. I'm starting estrogen next.
The big answer to prayer is I have a donation for me of 100 progesterone pills. This will save me A LOT of money, and I'm so grateful.
Next appt is Nov 2 for my u/s to check my follies.

We have a super super busy weekend ahead. Friday we have our pre Halloween dinner party at a friends house ( complete with nasty lookin fabulous food ) and Saturday we have our Halloween party here, costumes and all, then Sunday we have the Sounders Playoff Game we are going to dress up for. Lots to cook for, lots to dress up for, and frankly I'm looking forward to November. :)

cd3 ultrasound

I had my baseline u/s this mornin.
My favorite nurse was there, she asked how I was, I said pretty good, she asked about Dan, I said great, and that we were so encouraged by his test results. She said, that SHE was shocked that I was pregnant ( in July )on only 5 million sperm and that I have beautiful eggs ( why, thank ya )

So as we lay there chatting while I have the dildo cam doin it's thing, she asks, are you sure you are full cycle right now? And I said, uh, yes, big time. She said, I have to do a pregnancy test on you, your lining is a whopping 11.4. I was so confused and shocked at the words she was saying.

I got back in the car and started praying, only I didnt know WHAT to pray for. In fact, I told God that. "God, I'm not sure what I'm feelin right now, and I'm not sure how to pray about this? I hate the unknown, and I pray you'll take the worry away, and that there wont be any more delay on this cycle....if it is a cycle"

So here I wait. I dont like this place I'm in.

*edit*

Not pregnant...just lots of lining to shed this cycle....what i expected. So I start Clomid today ( 3-7 ) 100mg while Dan's on doxy. Ultrasound November 2nd for follie check...however, I'm going to cancel that appt and make it for Nov 3rd, because I ALWAYS take my sweet time to grow my follies, and there is no use spending $160 on an ultrasound in which I do not need. We'll see how this goes over :)

CD1 10/19/10

Results are in.

The Lord has spoken loud and clear today. I woke up with energy, I got tons of stuff done before 10am ( which never happens ) Bryn was in a great mood, the house looks great, I kept thanking the Lord for this. Over the weekend I was just so down and out. Plus pissed because we didnt get the results yesterday.

My nurse, Julie, called with the results. She started out by saying, it's good news. Thank God. ( I was expecting them to say otherwise...shame on me )
Now, a little background. For my IUI in May/June, we only had 5 million to work with ( 180 million prewash ). The doctor was very discouraged along with us. For Brynlee's IUI, we had 46? million to work with ( 212 million PREwash )

Julie said, Dan came back with 280 MILLION healthy sperm. Un.believable. You cant imagine the chills I got. His motility and morph are normal, and she said they're ready when we are to get this party started. And because my wonderful maker up above is so perfect in his timing, I'm spotting today. Meaning I'll start my clomid in the next few days.

I cry and cry now. Why do I doubt my Lord? Why do I worry so and question His great timing and great plan for me? I'll tell you why. Satan, is why. I allowed satan to mess with my emotions, stress about weight, and question my Lord. I wallowed in my sorrows. I felt sorry for myself. I doubted He had the ability to boost sperm numbers through the roof. Silly me. He created me. Pretty sure he can handle that. I've never been in control. This is yet another reminder that HE is.

The nurse ( back in June ) got after Dan for using our hot tub. She blamed it all on that ( his low #'s )...so without complaint, Dan gave up his favorite relax time of his, and has not gone in the hot tub since MAY.
The funny thing is, the hot tub cant be used right now because of an ongoing repair. Again, immaculate timing.

Wanna hear another timing thing?

We JUST paid off $1800 in medical bills. ALL our medical bills. It was painful, but we did it. We will have a clean slate for this IUI. Not saying we have the money, but it will come. I'm not going to worry...since this is obviously God's plan for us.

I believe this will put us at a November 2-6ish IUI...

So, friends, whoever is reading this, please please continue in prayer with us. Pray that these numbers sustain or increase, pray my body accepts the clomid/estrogen/progesterone, pray for my ovaries ( hahaha that sounds odd ) pray for it all. Our God does big things, so lets show Him that we all have faith in this process.

He loves us so.

October 16

Another day goes by. Still waiting to hear any sperm news.
In the meantime I'm horribly discouraged and have a lack of enthusiasm for life right now.
Time to doctor shop ( mine left for california )....I need the ol' anti depressants back in my life again.  *sigh*

*edit*
I have bodyaches, slight throat issues now. Its 10pm.

Did I mention Bryn has a fear of pooping on the toilet? So bad, that she holds her poop in, backing her lil self up. We took her to the doc, got her on myrolax, which helped, for one day. Now she's all wonky. I dont know what to do. Other than that shes basically potty trained ( during the day ....doing better at night )

Tonight was first night of bible study for the season. The women are all old enough to be my mom, and they are all SO different. It's a good variety. Our study is on a book called " If you want to walk on water, you got to get out of the boat"...
So I'm on this journey, right? This infertility journey. I cant just go along with the journey, God is testing me to see what I do WITH this thing I'm givin, before the end result. I've been givin the opportunity to encourage other christians struggling in their faith, I've even met someone who lost their faith years ago and doesnt know how to get back into a relationship with God on a daily basis. In this process I'm learning my weak spots and strong spots. I'm not great with words, and I doubt myself often when giving advice. However, I know how to listen, and listen well. AND I can give simple words of encouragement. Not some lengthy speech or recite scripture, which some ppl have the gift of. So even though I'm still on this journey, of uncertainty, I have to continue to encourage others, wherever their walk may be. That's why I am here. That's the ONLY reason God put us here. To spread his message, and love on others.
I have to get out of the boat, and walk in faith. Take a risk ( of being persecuted or called names or..) ..

I have to remember that God wants what's best for me. GOD will give me the best life imaginable, but it's not without some tears or heartache along the way. Just look at Job! I loved reading excerpts from the book of Job. You should too, we all relate :)

On another note...still waiting for dan's results :(

10.10.10

Today Dan gets his analysis done. Not sure how long it'll be before we get called about the results. Then I'm not sure what happens. Assuming they're bad results, I'm not sure if the nurse will put us on an agenda for him, or if we have to do a sit down with the doc ( which is what i dont want. ) My cycle is due in 8 days, and I'd love to have a solid plan for this next IUI, assuming we'll get the ok for it. That's my prayer.

On another note, we will have all medical paid off on Tuesday. Praise Jesus. All my surgeries, all my ultrasounds, EVERYTHING. Still not 100% sure how we will pay for this next IUI, but God always provides. We've been pretty careful with money the last month, and I'm hoping he'll bless us for that.

Another big big hope and prayer would be that Dan goes to a regular schedule. Instead of a week to week thing, where he's like 3 on, 4 off, 5 on, etc, he'd work Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. It'd be the same amount of hours, and would be consistant for my sanity, and his, AND he'd be able to work agency shifts on  regular basis. This would be something we'd dream of, and would honestly change our lives greatly. The scheduler has said it's doable, but we will not know til November. Until then, I'm madly praying. Jesus knows the desires of our heart.

So that's what's up for now.

Blah.

I feel like crap.
I'm disappointed in myself.
I havent weighed myself in 3 weeks. I havent been wearing the bodybugg at all...I've been eating horribly and I feel it. I'm disgusted with myself, I look in the mirror and want to throw up, I hate what I see. If someone were to ask me what my best physical attribute was, I'd say my eyes. They never change. ha.
I have til November 20th to drop 15 lbs and that seems impossible right now. I cannot focus. I'm very distracted by our upcoming Halloween bash, and getting a costume for that, and home improvement stuff I gotta get done this month. I'm also trying to save money as much as I can. We also have to still make the appt for Dan's analysis and hopefully schedule an IUI, likely November now. I could cry. I need to talk to God about my attitude and get right. I'm discouraged and feel very alone in this battle, even though I have my heavenly Father to hold me. That SHOULD be efficient for me. HE created the heavens and the earth, HE gave me life, HE keeps me alive, so why wouldnt I trust Him? I'm the daughter of the King of Kings. I must get out of this funk, because right now, satan is having a hey day and God made me stronger than this.
*sigh*

Today

Outside my window: darkness and 2 little flowering crabapple trees I planted this month. I'm a sucker for deciduous trees.

I am thinking: too much.

I am thankful for: my hardworking passionate husband, my funny sweet daughter, my siblings, parents, friends, my home and internet. :)

I am wearing: a long black tank and black leggings. i like black, a lot.

I am creating: new friendships, and bad breath as I eat these dill pretzels.

I am going: to catch up on 4 hours of favorite shows I've missed this week.

I am hearing: The sound of Jeff Probst reading the votes on Survivor and Brynlee tiptoeing downstairs.

I am reading: blogs and emails. never books.

Around the house: I find Bryn's hair things, crumbs, and lots of great decor ;)

Plans for this week: Lunch with friends from out of town, finish roman shades for upstairs, paint a dresser, de-moss part of the backyard, plant mums, get together with another friend, possibly make a shopping trip to Portland.

September

It's been an insane 2 weeks. Dan and Bryn went to Minnesota for a week, without me, came back for one day, then I took off to Indiana for family stuff. So you can imagine how badly I missed them. We went to the fair on that day and really enjoyed ourselves.

On top of that, there's been a baby boom among my friends. *sigh* I have major baby fever.

I'll be making an appt for Dan's analysis in the next few days. We have to figure out what the heck is up with his counts and what we can do to increase them. It makes me really nervous.

So now I'm back to being domestic, and refocusing on my weight loss journey.

Cycle day 1

Welp. This sucks. At the very least, THE VERY LEAST, I have a period.

Next up...sperm analysis and IUI in October, if all goes accordingly.

I've got many many things done in the last few days. I leave for Indiana on Thursday for a family wedding/reunion. So I get to be with Bryn and Dan on Tuesday and Wednesday

13dpo

Nope

I'm a wreck. I have not stopped crying since I dropped Bryn and dan off at the airport. To make it worse, Bryn saw me sobbing and kept saying "its ok, momma" with a smile. Being at home alone is always nice for a few hours, but coming home tonight, knowing it'd be empty for a week, tears me apart. I'm seriously a mess. I miss my baby.

12dpo

Negative. Not even an evap line.

I can feel a storm of emotions comin.

Between my ( early ) BFN today and tonight, bad news with money crap, and Bryn leaving with Dan for 6 days, I may just lose it. I could cry at the drop of a hat right now, but I'm holding back. I havent had a good cry since July. Maybe it's time.

Day 11 BFN

Yikes. I accidently posted briefly on YPMTM blog. Oops.

Anyways, Negative today. Day 11. Trigger is out. It's early. Got my last positive on day 13, so I'm still hopeful.

Very Very crampy today. Peeing every 1/2 hour it seems. So now I patiently wait.

Dan leaves tmrw with Bryn to MN. I will test when he's gone, which is weird for me. Meaning I'd even have a beta when he's gone too. Here's hopin.

Today I went to the fair with Bryn and my friend Kelly and her daughter Rhayna who's the same age as Bryn. We walked around for a few hours, ate good food, did some rides with the girls.

I got home and was SO tired. More tired than usual, I could not wait to get into bed. Bryn and I took a nap, and once i laid down I could really feel cramps. So much so that I outloud said "oh, wow"

It's now 10 and I'm cramping again, but i'm sitting down watching tv, so I'm more aware of it.

I made roman shades tonight outta mini blinds, that kept me very busy this evening. I have one more to go, then I'll post on my other blog.

Did I mention I cannot wait to get off Estrogen? Holy crap am I impatient.

I'm 7 days past trigger. I test Tuesday.

Crampy today. Not painful, just there. 6 days past trigger. Sleeping sucks.

Today I'm goin to a plant nursery sale to possibly stock up for the front flower bed, with my mom, then our friends craig and nicole are comin down from seattle to hang out, then going to the opening of the H&M at the mall. Looks like a good day.

4 days past trigger.

Today, once again, I was reminded that infertility is my biggest ministry right now. For years, I felt that worship leading was my ministry, and I took a break from that, only to enter into this one. It's a ministry because it's an opportunity to shed light on other people's IF struggles, and to help them gain the faith that they want to badly. But in return, I have to really keep myself in line, and make sure that MY OWN faith is right on...so in the process of encouraging others, any weak spots I have, get filled.

I was driving home tonight, listening to music and singing with Bryn in the backseat, and a very strong emotion came over me, and it told me that I very well could be pregnant. It came outta no where. I'm back to my headaches and cramps, and although they suck, they are sorta comforting in their own twisted way, because it's what i recognize.

The Lord has been so good in keeping me busy. I'm not only meaning physically, but mentally. This time around, IF isnt controlling my 2ww. I'm not counting down days, I'm not googling the crap out of my day wondering what's next etc. I keep looking at this cycle as my inbetweener cycle. The shits and giggles cycle. The, eh, what the heck, lets go for it cycle. And that's ok with me. That, my friends, is peace.

I have never done this before, never done a FULL medicated cycle without iui. So it's new territory, and that thrills me. I mean, WHAT IF?

In the meantime I continue to pray for people like Liz, who has had multiple failed IVFs, I pray for my Tabitha, who finds out if her baby has a heartbeat next week, I pray for my friend Kelley, who often worries for her baby's health inside her, My friend Michelle, who's lost too many pregnancies and is ready to start cycling again. I have so many friends in SO many different IF categories, it blows my mind. But we all want the same end result.

That's all for now.

I'm full

I am so incredibly full I cant believe it. I feel stuffed with follies since my trigger. We've done the deed a couple times since too. Took mucinex and estrogen as usual.

Spent yesterday at Lake Cushman with the fam, went out on the boat for a few hours. One of those days that if the sun isnt out, you gotta wear a sweatshirt. LOVE.

I got so freakin excited when I realized this is zip up weather. Praise Jesus. I freakin love fall. I cannot say it enough.

Trigger Me

Well, After 2 positive OPKS, Dan gave me a trigger shot tonight. I feel good about it too.
It's CD 14. Still taking the Estrogen. Started Mucinex last night, I'll put Dan on it tonight. He's still doin L-Argenine and Doxy as well.

Today I got a lot accomplished. I layed stepping stones in my front garden, I painted the whole bathroom, took down the light ( dan helped in this ), took down the mirror, made a trip to Lowes, came back with a fabulous clearance mirror and vanity light, bleached the floors and tub, Made 2 desserts ( pineapple cake and cake pops ) for tomorrow at the lake w/family. My bible study friend, Robin, brought me her bodybugg, she's letting me borrow til November 20. I want to lose 20 lbs by then, and she is so graciously letting me borrow this expensive lil guy that the biggest losers use. I also scored a clearance weight watchers digital scale ( my first scale, ever ) for $9.

It's been a GOOD day. I'm tired of spending money. However, it's been on good things. I need more work though. My projects are all done and I need more clients. Workin on that.

Excited to spend the day at the cabin tomorrow.

Estrogen and stuff

I'm on day 2 of Estrogen.

My friend Kelley so graciously met me at Ikea today and gave me my trigger shot and a box of OPKs. Such an answer to prayer.

I found myself getting a lil crazy from clomid today ( no patience ) but I'm aware of it so I'm keeping it under wraps as much as I can.

On my weight watchers note, I've lost 3 lbs in 20 days. Good number. I want better though.

My friend from bible study is so sweetly letting me borrow her bodybugg til November to try it out. She swears by it. It'll be interesting. I'm staying within my boundaries of weight watchers, however, I know I'm lacking protein and water. So my goal this week is to fix that, and eat breakfast. Even just toast.

On another note, I went to Anthropologie and U-village with my bff Alicia on Saturday. It was perrrrfect. I was shocked, but I fit into a gorgeous navy blue dress. On sale for $70. Ouch. However, Alicia and I both 'bout died, and I havent worn a dress since Dan's grandpas funeral and I was like 7 months pregnant. That doesnt count. So it's the perfect thing to wear to the wedding i'm going to in Indiana in a few weeks, and then I can wear it again for an October wedding. Pretty stoked to be excited to buy a dress. FINALLY.

I get my hair did on Wednesday, goin dark again.

Things are looking up.

Last day o' clomid

The most digusting taste I've had in a very long while, is pill dust. I'll explain. Half of my clomid pills were crushed/dust in their package. I literally had to throw the dust in the back of my mouth and chug water. I shiver typing this. It's so bad. blech.

I start my estrogen tomorrow.

Anyways..weight watchers is goin, meh. I havent weighed in for 2 weeks ( oops ) but I'm being careful as to what I am eating....but still not eating breakfast. My biggest downfall.

I was kind of trippin yesterday, realizing that September is in sight. I have a very very busy September, which is fun. At one point, Dan and Bryn will be in Minnesota for 5 days, come back, then I leave 2 days later for Indiana with my sisters/parents for a wedding. I also have 2 big projects to do, by my lonesome.

Bryn's been obsessed with "amma" ( my mom ). She wakes up asking to go to her house, and throughout the day. It's super annoying. I dont want my mom to get annoyed or tired of babysitting ( which only happens like once a week or every other week ) so i try not to ask, since she's working, she gets tired. But its hard when you have a 2 yr old begging to go see her. Oh well, she'll learn.

That's all for now

Cycle day 4.

Tonight, I had a date with a clomid pill. Why? Because miraculously I started my period ON MY OWN, a month after my D&E ( Praise the Lord almighty )

So i'm cheating, and with donated and leftover meds, I'm goin this cycle alone. Well, without an IUI. Shhh, dont tell anyone.

The plan:

Me: Clomid, Mucinex, Estrodiol, OPKs, Trigger

Him: Doxycycline, mucinex? L-Argenine

We'll be chugging water and jumpin bones like it's nobody's business. wink wink.

Fail.

Well my exercises have consisted of domestic things. Such as weeding like crazy, fertilizing, watering, and just moving a lot. Last week i did sprints in my backyard, but now it's so friggin hot that is not something i look forward to. Unfortunately I didnt do fabulous with the diet yesterday. I met my points, but I couldve had more fruits. That's the big one I'm lacking these days. Weigh in is tomorrow morning. I'm camping at the end of the week, so i'll be eating better then, i eat light.

I got to spend a few hours and a couple days with my bff Alicia, i've missed her so. Got some playdates in with others, been getting a LOT done around the house.

On another note..I'm tired of this single mom business. Dan worked 5 nights in a row last week ( meaning we had 2 hours a day with him ) He had last night off, and now has 4 nights in a row to work again. No matter what time i put Bryn down, she's up at 6am. She's been whiney and bored.

Today we went in the hot tub at 9:30 for a long time ( it's like 88 in there )..I made jambalaya for lunch ( and dinner )..napped, and basically was in my bathing suit all day...hair slicked back look, so not tan ( it's gone ) and just yuck. So naturally I get a visitor, Dan's carpool friend, who is so pretty and thin with curly blonde hair, newly pregnant and getting married. I havent met her before in person, just online stuff. Awesome. So here I am sitting on my couch, looking horrid, no makeup, naked Bryn sitting next to me, with no sunlight coming through the windows becuse everything is covered up because of the heat. And that is our first meeting. FAIL.

WW weigh in #1

I weighed in today, for the first time in 3 months ( almost exactly ) at weight watchers. I was expecting up to 10lbs gained. Nope. TWO. TWO pounds. I'm thrilled. This is an easy thing for me to lose. I've likely lost a few lbs this week, because i KNOW I gained with my IF meds. So I'd like to lose 4 lbs by next Monday. Dan works every night this week, leaving little room for me to walk at night like I had planned, but I've improvised by doing sprints in the backyard at night. I'll start my squats/jumping jacks/planks tonight. My sciatica is back, and I know it's back due to not walking 4 miles every other night like I was doin.

I'm encouraged, excited and ready to do this thang.

Countdown to Pinup.

106 days from now, I will be in full 40's pinup photoshoot to support the american cancer society, thanks to Christy Pelland.
This excites me, and TERRIFIES me. This is the first time I'm going to have to be accountable for my weight loss ( along with weight watchers ) and actually SHOW it off.
My goal is 20 pounds. I wont be the skinniest one, in fact I hope to be pregnant by then. But I still need to do this
If I stick to WW, I know I can do this.
My husband is thrilled, even though we are putting money out for this, it's going to a great foundation, giving me a goal, and my husband a christmas present, wink wink.

I'm suddenly motivated, disgusted with what i see in my cabinets, and anxious for cooler weather so I can start jogging/walking. I'll do Jillian's shred on the side, and thanks to my friend Michelle, may start Biggest Loser's Yoga.
This is what i need right now. Something in the distance to focus on and distract me from my baby problems.

Here are some of the examples of c.pelland photography. Christy and I were BFF's in Elementary school, she's incredibly gifted. ( above )

Ramblings.

Well, I wasnt up for writing tonight, but i logged into this account instead of my other one, so I guess I should write.

We're back from our Cabo trip. I started out feeling like it was going to be a chore to go, I'll be honest. I was still cramping and on vicodin from the DNC and just not with it. I've been hum drum and melancholy, goin with the flow, emotionless really. Miserable. I was a couch mom, understandably, but I'm still a bit unmotivated. Thankfully I picked up a couple design clients to keep me busy and focus on that, and do my part in bringing in cash.

When I go away on vacation, no matter how big or small, after a couple days, my mind completely erases my problems. I block it out. I dont know how, must be the grace of God. However, whenever I'd go to do something fun on this trip, or swim too much or whatever, I'd either bleed or lose tissue. That was all it took to take me back to that dark place. What a nightmare.

So I'm back to reality, trying to get back in the groove. Bryn's been very trying on our patience, lots of tantrums, and I'm trying to take it with ease. This too shall pass sorta attitude.

The bad news is, I cannot focus. I'm so scatterbrained right now, I dont know how to center myself. I've got design brain right now, but I need to have parent brain 100% right now to nail these tantrums down. I also need to figure out details on our next getaway in 2 weeks, save for another trip in September for fam reunion, fix up the yard, blah blah blah.

When I TRY to think about the loss, or waiting for my period, or starting meds again, or seeing my doctor or waiting waiting some more, my brain doesnt click on. It is the weirdest thing, and it's driving me nuts. We went into this last IUI fuzzy brained too, nothing truly felt right, we were scrambling a lot, and nothing felt "lined up" if that makes sense. We had such a smooth ride ( if there is such a thing...) with Bryn's IUI, we expected that. But didnt get it, at all. So to have that familiar fuzzy brained madness, it very unsettling.

In the meantime, I continue to get emails, even from complete strangers lifting me up. I have dozens of wonderful women online that ask about me daily. I have cards coming in the mail ( still ) and it makes me happy. I hate when people dont say anything. I now know that I dont wanna be that person, that when something bad happens to a friend, I dont say anything for fear of whatever. SAY SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I guarantee that person hurting, will remember it.

I've even met some great people. I know this is my ministry. It is a sucky ministry. I hate that I'm back in this ministry again. The ministry of sharing my faith through these dark times. Not just loss, but infertility. I realize there are so many women out there ( and that I know personally ) that have had multiple losses. I only know they get through them through Christ. That is the only way. I hope that through this mess, I am able to shine the light to the hopeless. Even when I myself feel hopeless. God is bigger.

Day after

Today was better. I slept just ok, however I'm cranky...
My mom was sweet enough to take Bryn pretty much from 3-9pm
We went and got me a new phone, which i'm not thrilled about. I wouldve kept my lil rumor phone til the day i died, but noooo it had to quit on me.
My dear friend Kelly brought us yummy food.
We briefly visited the Gagnons in their new house down by us, brought them strawberries and shortcake to cool them down.
We had dinner at Rach and Justin's ( my brother in laws brother and wife , family to us ) which was nice but the cramping continues so i'm back at home with a dose of vicodin and a shot of that stuff that Dan has to do.
I've had little bleeding. Obviously if i'm walking around/standing, I have more spotting.
The doc was generous with the vicodin so I'll be just fine. Now I wait for the bloat to come off me.

D&E

I broke down last night. I turned on one of my fave worship songs " He is Lord" by Hillsong and sobbed my way through singing it. I havent worshipped my Lord in a couple of weeks. He knows my thoughts and heart, and I talk to him there, but I've been so shelled up. I let it out and praised him through this storm. To be cheesy, here's a snipit of me singing it.

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/8015814/21266919

I woke up today with some nerves. Dan and I left at 10am because we needed to go to a special pharmacy to get a shot of Rhogam because I'm RH Negative. They didnt have it. I HAVE to have this shot ( given by Dan ) within 72 hours of my surgery. On top of that, they claimed our insurance wouldnt cover it. $200. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS for a drug that screams life or death. It's very serious. Dan got it figured out, they had to promise they'd have it for us tomorrow. On top of that, we still have to pay for this surgery. Lovely. The baby is gone, but the bills add up, still.

I broke down in the lobby before surgery, it's all so final. I got all dressed in my gown and waited for an hour for the doc to arrive late.

We warned the anesthesiologist that I puke my brains out after any surgery. Dan got all technical with different suggestions for drugs to try on me. That might have saved me.

I laid on the table once the doc came, and they started strapping me down, IV, BP cuffs, blood clot cuffs on my calves. Dr Robinette was peaceful and kept his hands on my stomach while everyone did their task. Everyone was friendly and was genuinely interested in my line of work and Dan's. I of course cracked jokes to put everyone at ease, for them to know I wouldnt go bat shit crazy on the table, since they were taking my baby from me. They laughed and laughed.

Before I knew it I was awake, groggy, but awake. No puke down the front of me, just very very heavy eyes and minor cramping. It took 45 minutes to wake up ( 10 min surgery ) I ate saltines and water ( sore throat though ) and was discharged 30 minutes later.

I was surprised how ok I felt.

My mom had Brynlee for most of the day, it was excellent. She even cleaned, and installed a cat door that we had been talking about.

I rested my eyes for a few hours ( dont remember actually dosing off ) and Dan kept the Vicodin flowing.

All my family was here around dinner time, just hanging out. Suz brought us a yummy dinner, Sayle ( who I havent seen in a week ) came in crying and rubbed my arms and legs on the bed while we cried together. I love my family.

It's 9pm and this dreaded day is almost over. Atleast, the day I thought was dreaded. I know I have a LOT of people praying for me. Alicia and Tabitha specifically, have been my warriors and i'm thankful.

I'm having just a bit of spotting, my cramping is trying to start up again. All and all, not too bad.


Out of pocket=

Consultation= $160
Drugs ( including progesterone ) =$180
IUI /trigger with monitoring= $1200 ( est. the u/s' for follies are most expensive )
Gas spent going to Tacoma every other day for 4 weeks?= $60
2 speeding tickets ( in the mail ) on those u/s days? = $200
D&E out of pocket = $300 ( est, likely more )
Rhogam shot = $200
Vicodin and anti nausea = 94 cents ( best money spent right here )

Yesterday i slept, a lot. Dan got up with Bryn at 7am, and I laid there for a while, but fell back asleep HARD til noon, I needed that. The night before he gave me a narcotic that drifted over til yesterday so I was lagging all day. I managed to make dinner, which was lame.

Last night was hard. Dan went back to work for the night, since our d&e is put off til tmrw. I was a couch mom for the most part, but pushed Bryn on the swing and had a popcicle with her outside for a bit.

Thankfully Bryn went down without much of a fight. But the texts keep coming, friends try to call, my inbox is full, and reading them just puts me back into tears.

I get it. I get that women do this all the time. But for me, 9 weeks is rough. It's an even bigger slap in the face that it was an IF baby. I was able to talk to a guy friend ( from our old church )..I've always been an ear for him, and he's a dear friend. I couldnt talk about me, but instead I wanted him to vent to me, and I needed that a bit.

I cried and cried after though.

Dan texted me at 5am saying he's losin it. He cant focus at work, everytime he stops he starts to cry. Not exactly the thing to do in an ER. I dont think we know how to deal, honestly. I think I'm holding my breath til tomorrow, when it's out of me.

The future seems very overwhelming. We met with a doc yesterday whos doing the surgery, and we have to wait 2 cycles before treatments again. It can take up to 2 months to even get your period back. This completely throws me off. I had plans. I dont prefer to be in my last trimester during summer. I dont want to wait til christmas to start again. I'm praying for a miracle, a miracle that my period comes ASAP.

There is also the problem of money. We wasted so much money on this cycle. Now we have the D&E and it'll cost hundreds. The medical bills are stacked up. We have so much goin on this fall. My mind is so fuzzy.

Spoke too soon.

Here I am just barely 9 weeks.
Yesterday we had our u/s and saw no heartbeat.
Dan and I were absolutely not expecting this, especially after such a positive strong heartbeat
one week ago. We are numb, full of sorrow, completely broke off our asses now, and hopeless.

D&C is scheduled for Thursday. because baby is formed so well, they will just suction it out, not scrape or dilate. I hate hate anesthesia. Not looking fwd to the recovery. This whole thing has been evil. So evil. Why God allowed it, I do not know. We worked so hard for this miracle, spent nearly 2k on this cycle, and to wind up with a dead baby? I sit here shaking my head. It's cruel.

We leave for our family vacation to Mexico on the 24th. 11 days from now. I'm fat, broke, full of hormones and feeling empty inside.

Brynlee has been our saving grace, once again.

She was at the appt yesterday, stayed very quiet with us all. On the ride home, we cried and cried and she would offer up her sweet little words of " tis okay, momma"...."hug, momma?" How can you not smile. She keeps us goin.

Oh ya, and I'm craving watermelon like mad. Also craving bad stuff like burgers and fries. I had burger king today, it was soooo good. But i cannot keep up with this trend. Before, I had my gallbladder to keep me from gaining weight ( because gallstones made me puke ) but this time I have to seriously be on my weight gain. I have no desire to cook, at all. AT ALL. It makes me sick thinking about it.

We havent told Dan's fam yet. They are so busy or gone a lot so we havent been able to skype them. So we wait for that. In the meantime, I told my family same day Sayle graduated from high school. We had a dinner outside, here's their reaction. ( they thought i was setting up the camera for a timer )

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/7646756?fr=yvmtf

Migraine, Potty Training, Nursery start up

Well, that nasty migraine is back on the left side. I am so desperate I'm drinking mountain dew and it's 6am. Gross. I didnt sleep well because it kept waking me up.

Other than that, I'm still very bloated, trying to drink lots more water. Its gonna be in the 90's for the next few days, hoping to get to Picha's pool, since we didnt put ours up this year.

In other news, Bryn herself, has taken charge of the potty training situation. I take her diaper off first thing when she wakes up, and she tells me when she needs to go. She has done this for 3 days now, only having 1 accident. Thankfully it's hot out so she can run around with no bottoms on. She insists I go in the bathroom with her, but Dan and I both cannot be there with her, cant blame the gal. She sits on the ring ontop of the toilet, and i have a lil step stool beside it so she can get up. Funny thing is, I spent the money on a nice, cool, Boon potty chair/step stool. It's so cute, but it's not the toilet to her. Go figure. I just keep reminding her, " dont go potty on the floor, you go to the toilet now " and she gets it....

I'll try undies on her maybe today or tomorrow. I think when she has ANYTHING down there she thinks she can go in it, but we'll see.

I started on the nursery. Yes you read that right.The room has been neglected for years. It also has over 15 holes ( knots in the boards ) on the walls, so it's been a pain to fill them with paper then caulk them, then spackle. It also had hideous orangeish wood trim/with doors of the same color, so I painted it white. Never thought i'd paint that trim, but I didnt want to strip it then stain it. Plus the other rooms upstairs have white trim ( other than landing ) so I didnt feel too bad. The carpet upstairs is blah. I have thought about putting new carpet in, but it's not on my priority list. Maybe this winter. In the nursery, under the carpet is wood flooring. Tempting.
I have the decor plan in my head. Oddly enough it's more modern and unisex. No matter what the sex, the walls will be my trusty super light teal blue. Cant go wrong.

Houston, we have a heartbeat

Doctors predicted ectopic, take this bitches! ( sorry, i had to )

Full strong heartbeat.

We are measuring abit behind ( according to those idiots with the ancient u/s machines ) but as of now I'm 7w1d

One week til next u/s.

I cannot stress to you how bloated I am. It was so bad that I had to completely unbutton my pants last night in the theatre ( saw Eclipse ..soooo good ) still cramp at random. I sneezed big yesterday and seriously felt like i blew out my uterus it hurt so bad. This morning I am borderline nauseous. All good signs, I'll take them.

Bryn

These days Bryn is so funny. She keeps me sane.
Instead of no thanks, it's "no please." Or when she gifts us something, she'll say "there ya go, please"

She's very into babies. ( ironic ) Her few stuffed animals and one baby are all babies in her eyes. She gets "blankies" ( dish towels ) and wraps them up. So you can imagine her little heart when a real infant is around her. She hasnt shown any signs of being the jealous type. Thank the Lord.

She's currently into putting "bans" ( bandaids) on her owies,wandering by herself outside,eating dirt while playing in it, swimming, trampoline at grams house, not a big eater AT ALL, although she could live on strawberries. She saw her first movie in the theatre, toystory 3 and acted as if she'd done it many times.

She's pretty darn good at hearing me. She ALWAYS acknowledges me when I call her name, with a " yes mamaaaaaaaaaa?" or "yaaaaaa?"

Still gets out of bed at night ( while trying to fall asleep ), but she quietly comes downstairs in the morning and wakes me up. She demands a hug and kiss ( both ) when dan goes to bed or work, or I put her to sleep.

Suz is letting her borrow her stuffed husky dog, that's a new love.

She has the most fantastic expressions, well she has since birth really.

She loves our family. She loves my sisters. Still shy around dad, but asks for him always. "gram" is now "amma" not sure where she created that one.

How am I feelin?

Just for my own notes...

1. still cramping
2. not much of an appetite
3. sluggish
4. any heat on my abdomen makes it worse
5. bloated like you wouldnt believe. I look 12 weeks.
6. Technically i'm 7 weeks 2 days. But we wont know for a bit still...
7. I'm not sleeping. Very Very uncomfy and restless. Even a nap is a fight.
8. Lower back pain.

Sounds like a lot, but Brynlee was much much worse on me :)

I'm growing even more upseat and frustrated at the lack of professionalism and sincerity at the GYFT Clinic.
I'm realizing things about yesterday's appt.

1. They didnt take me to the u/s room, because it was full. So they put me on the fertility side with the ancient old school box of an u/s machine. I would have waited for the "good " room.
2. No nurse, or u/s tech was present. Just Dan, and the doc
3. He was not aggressive with the dildo cam, which you need to be with me to see anything because of the tilted uterus.
4. He immediately said, it's still so early, not much to see, we want to have u/s's when you have a beta of over 2,000. ( i later got my beta back, it was 2,660 at the time of the appt )
5. After pointing out the "flicker" we saw in the blurry gray screen that was my uterus, he said but you still could have an ectopic in the coming weeks, so go immediately to the ER if you have pain. WTF? Didnt you just say that these things usually turn out for the good?

Come back in 8 days, we'll have a better picture. That was the last words. I wish they'd suck it up and get with the times and buy a friggin nice machine so that ppl like me dont have to wonder and worry anymore.

Ultrasound

Yesterday was our u/s. I went in EXPECTING to get an answer, good or bad. NOT.
This whole experience has been blurry to me, nothing has been clear.
So naturally, the u/s was unclear.
So unclear, that we couldnt see my tubes or a clear sac. HOWEVER, the doc ( not u/s tech ) saw a constant flicker immediately in my uterus. That gave me hope. Old u/s machine? maybe. Tilted uterus? Maybe.
He went on to say that there is still time for an ectopic ( if that flicker was not a heartbeat, and just molecules moving around ) and if I had any severe pain, to get to the ER.
He did say that more often than not, he sees these kind of situations turn out right.
So I have to wait another week.

I think God's telling me to drop my expectations and just let it go.

We had SUCH a great 3 days away in Leavenworth. I cant tell you how badly my soul needed it. Dan, Bryn, Sayle, mom and I stayed in a koa kamping kabin, with warm weather, campfire, swimming and good food. I completely forgot my problems, truly. I dont have anything really goin on this week, and that's what I fear. I need to get busy.

29dpiui

What a rollercoaster.

I go from having a horrrrrrid migraine for 2.5 days, to losing hope that I have a live baby growing within me, to today's beta.

409 to 771. NEARLY double. Doubling time of 52 hours. So here we go again. With what little hope I have left, Dan and I are headed to Leavenworth w/ my Brynlee, mom and sister to find the 80 degree weather I long for, and to clear my head.

The nurses both said today, they still think that I am losing or lost a twin. So the remaining baby is trying to play catch up. But we'll see. My greatest fear is an ectopic. Please Lord, not me.

Ultrasound on Monday at 3:15.

Lord help me.

I have had the worst migraine I've had in a while. It's lasted 24 hours now. I've probably only had 5 hours of true sleep in 24 hours with this beast. It's on one side of my head, piercing pain that cannot be soothed. I've been up since 4:30am. It's just miserable. I'm going to get a massage at 2, hoping that cures me. I miss having a restful sleep, I dont even know what that looks like.

Still cramping, still sluggish. Bryn and I walked last night, and went to the park, but the headache was just too much.

27dpiui = 409 ( doubling time of 84.19 hours ) I'm not thrilled. In fact, I feel like throwing in the towel. My nurse is so negative. Dan is taking me away for the weekend. I'm so tired, my soul is just shaking. Its exhausting having this much faith for this long.

24 days

DPO	Beta	Doubling time from previous test
16	36	(none)
20	71	97.98 hrs
22	126	58.00 hrs
24	226	56.95 hrs

My nurse doesnt know what she's talkin bout or somethin. She keeps insisting that the numbers MUST double within 48 HOURS. Everything online says you should double within 48-72 hours. Notice my numbers are getting smaller, meaning better.

Today I am tired. I'm not sleeping well at all. Between the weird dreams and bad lower back pain, I'm not getting much of a break. I dont know whats up with the backpain. I thought it was my sciatica, but it's not, it's a very sore spot in the middle low low back. Wondering if because I'm cramping in the front my back is feeling it too? Who knows. So I'm not feeling rested at all. I MUST have a nap. The cramping doesnt stop either.
It was so odd to hear the nurse say that I'm still in the cell division phase. I thought, seriously? STILL? Off to do research.

Beta #3

So here I wait. It's 9:45am and I had my beta an hour ago. I'll know in about 3-4 hours. I cried out and talked to God all the way to the clinic, and all the way back. I pray that we prove the nurses wrong, and give God all the glory. I pray that even though my numbers are slow to climb, that I can praise him for GIVING me these pregnant numbers. Praise him through the storm, right? IF girls call this time Beta hell. It truly is. But I am the daughter of the king of kings and therefore I shall not doubt. I am pregnant right now. I pray He sustains this life inside me and grows into a healthy baby.
I cannot have an ultrasound til I'm atleast 1500. That seems forever. Forever til I can breathe.
I'll update in a few hours.

Update:

126. I'm not sure how I feel. I guess encouraged? It didnt double, but it went up, and nearly doubled. I'll take what I can get and learn to be happy for the moment.

Today I felt like crap. I was very very crampy on my left side, to the point where i expected to see blood every time i went to the bathroom. i could barely nap, due to my low, dull back pain, that I thought was sciatica, but it's not, because my usual relief method doesnt work. yes i'm worried about my beta tomorrow, more so because I dont know what would be a "good" number. If it goes up but doesnt double, what does that mean? If it shoots way way up, what does THAT mean? I dont think I'll breathe til the ultrasound.

edit:

It's 10:50pm and I'm cramping like mad on my left side...like my ovary is throbbing sorta deal. Everything feels better when i lay down. I didnt get much done today. Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow.

20dpiui

beta is 72.
I've been in bed all day.
I'm numb, scared, frustrated, confused and bawling my eyes out.

It's one thing to have someone miscarry, it's another when you go through so much to get pregnant with infertility then lose a pregnancy.

It could be a vanishing twin, it could be ectopic, it could be miscarriage, it could be a late late late implanter and slow starter.

I'm still pregnant, as of now. But I'm not thrilled with the number, either is my nurse.
Now the next dreaded wait for 2 more days.

I'm praying for a miracle.

Well, beta at 16dpiui was 36. Lower than I wanted, but definitely pregnant. I was a nervous wreck, and even worse because I had to wait from thursday, to tomorrow, monday.
Thankfully the Lord blessed me with a jam packed weekend, leaving no room for doubt or worry. I was even brave enough to announce it to my family and only a couple close prayer warriors. So we are praying for big numbers tomorrow.
I'm very bloated, clothes arent fitting because of it, and this is how it was with Brynlee. I started showing around 10,11,12 weeks with her, but it was chub. It'll be interesting to see how different or the same this pregnancy is.
Again, I'm seriously still in shock, and a little bit of denial. Although I continue to cramp low, and dull, which is my reminder that I am growing a human.

15dpiui

Again, another faint line.
I've never had so many questions about pregnancy tests than this particular cycle though. First time I got BFP with Brynlee, I didnt question it, I just called the RE and they got me in.
So here I am 15dpiui, with a 2nd day of faint bfps. I hear " a line is a line" and I've even said it to people over the years, but when it's YOU, you doubt it if it's faint. I understand it's the dye in the test. However, I doubt because I thought the line would be darker today? I mean, if a very pregnant woman took a test today, with me, her line WOULD be darker because her HCG is higher, right?

Yes my beta is tmrw. But I'm holding my breath til FRIDAY because that's when we'll see if it doubles. What a long week.

14dpiui

Today I tested at just before 8 am, and again at 11:30.
Both faint lines, within 5 minutes.
I'm dying here. Could it be??
Last night I cried to the Lord. Lord, give me a period tomorrow, or let me see a BFP.
I may have got my answer.
The pics dont do them justice

Took yet another test. Yes, I'm testing twice a day.
Another "evap" line, or so I think. Here's the thing though, the line keeps getting darker, and it's pink...on a blue test. Such a tease. Dan's bringing me more tests in the morning. I hate this.

13dpiui

I'm bloated, I've gained weight, I've fallen off the weight watchers bandwagon, I am slugglish, I'm cramping madly.

Still, Negative.

I STILL have to wait to thursday to have a beta. That is 3 freaking more days of misery. I'd just rather see my period come at this point. I feel it coming.

I feel like I'm in limbo. Half of me is SCREAMING inside, and I'm in so much pain, and my heart hurts. The other half is like, just wait, wait for it, wait for it...whatever that means. It's a battle inside me.

11dpiui

I tested at 4:30am. Negative. Stark White. Devastated.
I tested at 2pm. Negative. Went back a lil later, faint line. Made my heart sank, but it must have been a evap line.
Because I tested at 10pm. Stark White Negative.

My heart just reeeeaaally wants to be hopeful and tell myself it's early. But my mind is trying to tell me to give up and expect my period.

I feel like my period is comin. Lord, dont let it come. My heart cannot take it.

10

I caved and tested this morning.
It was negative.
I must say, i was slightly surprised. However, with Brynlee, my bfp was on 11dpiui, and was VERY faint. So God didnt allow me to wallow for very long :)
I still have faith. I had a very bad migraine from 6am to6pm today. It sucker punched me hard. I feel sluggish and very bloated. I havent weighed in at WW because of the hormones I'm on.

So I will test in the mornin, followed by a lovely shopping trip to either celebrate, or help me mourn.

9dpiui 10dptrigger

It dawned on me last night, maybe my sore boobs arent really sore because of a symptom, but sore as a side effect from prometrium? That little bit of doubt lasted a couple hours last night and into my morning. Not thrilled about this thought, and I'm trying not think about it.

I'm going to try my HARDEST not to test tmrw. 10dpiui is a little early, but it'll be 11 days since the trigger shot. So it's very risky. If I see a positive, I'll worry it's the trigger. If I see a negative, I'll be crushed. See how I'm talking myself out of it?

Praying for my friend Elizabeth, who's having troubles with her PIO, and hopefully moving to pills/supps. She tests next week! ( ivf2 )

Praying for Kelley, she has an IUI today and tomorrow!

8dpiui

I went in to my clinic yesterday to get meds for my bladder infection, I'm already feeling much better. I was bold enough to tell my nurse that I think I'm pregnant.

In other news, my boobs are incredibly sore. My boobs do not get sore before a period or even on a period. And yes, I'm still cramping.

5dpiui

I feel that I'm being prayed for. It brings me to tears to know what wonderful friends i have. It kills me not telling my family. I wanted to tell my sister tonight, just scream it, that I could be pregnant.

I know I'm being prayed for, because I am losing my doubt and gaining my faith. What a fantastic feeling that is. Tonight I laid on the couch, and thought, I could definitely be pregnant right this moment. I am 5 days past iui.

I have a UTI or Bladder infection right now, I almost wanna say I had this w/Brynlee, but my mind could be playing tricks...I'll look back in my journal tonight.
I will test on the 5th, which is in 6 days. Only six.

I will choose to be positive, I will not doubt the Lord, He blesses me always and proves me wrong daily. Just when i doubt something or worry, he shows me HIS plan, and I'm humbled, and so thankful I'm wrong!

2dpiui

I'm still here.
Cramping.
It doesnt hurt, it's just there.
I started doubting again last night, so I grabbed Dan and we prayed over it, again...and again, I found peace.
We have 5 million fabulous sperm, and I am learning to be thankful for that.


How 'bout that Oil spill, eh?

IUI numbers

10% Motility
120 million pre wash
5 million post wash

Not great numbers at all. I was very bummed. They are blaming it on Dan's hot tub usage. I just kept telling Dan, it's out of our hands, it's in God's hands now.

Tabitha put me in tears by her text, minutes before I laid down on the doc's table. She said the Lord, Our Creator will be in the room with you two. That really put things into perspective for me and made me tear up. Thank you Tab for grounding me.

I will not doubt. God is bigger than me, He's bigger than infertility. I'm giving my worry and doubt to him. Especially for the next two weeks, while i wait anxiously.

IUI Today

Today's the day. I'm incredibly crampy and "full" still. I had 3 follies yesterday, 16, 19, 23. One on one ovary and two on the other, which makes me happy.
My mind is scattered and I'm emotional, but I'm tryin not to overthink.
An hour ago, Dan wasnt goin with me, because he'd be getting 4 hours of sleep if he did. But, without me sayin anything, he said he has to be there, he'd feel wrong. Which made me burst into tears of relief. And an hour ago I was STILL scrambling for a sitter. God answered both my prayers within an hours time. I love Him. This is why HE is my rock, and I place my faith upon Him.
Dan just left for "his" appt at the clinic. I'm praying for his numbers right now. He's been on doxy and l-argenine, hasnt been doing the hot tub, and no alcohol for the last couple weeks. He's nervous, but I told him we've come as far as we can...done all we can do, it's now in the hands of our maker...and I do find peace in that.
My appt is at 11:30am...I'll post back with our numbers.

did i mention my family doesnt know?

Today I cried.
I'm so frustrated.
I took my clomid late. Accidently. Instead of 3-7, I took it 5-9. My doc said it's totally fine. However, they STILL call me in on day 14. I knew KNEW that I wouldnt be ready to trigger. I pay $110 out of pocket for every u/s, up front.

So THREE ultrasounds later, I am still not ready to trigger. Again, I could have told you this. I'm a slow grower, they know this, but didnt pay attention to my charts.

I'm frustrated because I'm now looking at $330 in unneccesary u/s. I go back tomorrow, I can tell you that I'm not going to grow 5mm overnight.

I have 3 follies. 18,18,19. For my pregnant cycle 3 years ago, I had three also, but were 23,23,22.

I am grateful, so so grateful I have three dominant follies, I really am. Just so frustrated that these appts could have been avoided.
And yes, blessed, so blessed to have three follicles.

Right now, Dan isnt getting any overtime. Which means we squeeze by for every paycheck. So this adds to the stress and worry

My ovaries, ache. ACHE. I feel heavy. The nurse today wasnt very delicate with the dildo cam either, so my ovaries got knocked around by the wand. Lovely. I'm just aching right now. I'm going to up my dosage of estrogen tonight, in hopes I'll grow BIG tonight.

Today, after explaining that in order to get pregnant, we must iui, a friend said those dreaded words.

JUST RELAX AND IT'LL HAPPEN! IT DID FOR ME!

I was so in shock, my only reaction was, oh if it were only that easy, we must inseminate to get pregnant.
I need a whitty comment to say next time this happens. I had always heard of ppl saying that, but it's been years since someone said it to me.

Cycle Day 10

Done with Clomid. I guess I had a bug on Monday because I'm totally fine now ( it's not the clomid )
Still doin Estrodial ..Saturday is my trigger, not sure what'll happen after that.

Bryn has been testing my patience hardcore, in the last couple of days. She just chose not to listen to me yesterday. At all. It was miserable. She got out of bed nearly every 15 minutes for 2 hours. I finally found her asleep in the upstairs landing. I'm tired of her waking up at 5:23am. It's no good. It doesnt matter what time she goes to bed either. Booooo.

The busyness of summer is starting early for us. Preparations for my sisters grad party, appointments, birthday parties, building daybeds for the backyard, keeping up the yard, MOPS is ending ( and I decided not to go back next year ), Bible Study, George coming home for a week, Grad Parties, Weddings and so much more. And that's just in the next 3 weeks.

With all those distractions from IF, I do have to remember to keep God first, and pray that I'm doing his will!

Blech.

Clomid sucks for me this time around. I'm on day 2 of 100mg and I FEEL like i'm in my first few weeks of pregnancy, super nauseous and achy. I'm literally trying to choke down my lunch, consisting of 15 almonds, 1 string cheese, and a cup of applesauce...and THAT is a struggle.
I've been having a lot of thoughts lately about how scared I am to be very sick w/pregnancy and taking care of my 2 yr old. As of today, just with this clomid, I'm parenting from the couch. Dan was sweet enough to let me nap for an hour before he went to bed for the day. I dont want to be a slug for my first half of pregnancy, like I was with Bryn.
So i'm choosing to fight this battle early, and just simply pray that the Lord will give me peace about it, and that I wont be as sick.

May 14, 2010

Testing, Testing, is this thing on? Good night it's been forever since I've written on here. I'm so busy with the "other" blog and writing in Bryn's baby book every week, I've neglected this. Which is ok.

Soo I'm back. Ready to journal about secondary infertility, the goings on of my household, and hoping I'll come out of this thing pregnant, soon.

Long story short, I didnt think we'd wait/take this long to get pregnant for number 2. Bryn turned 2 in January and it's flown by, as you moms know. I've worried and worried and gained weight and worried some more over the last 2 years, that I will have difficulty getting pregnant again. So it's no surprise to me that I'm not pregnant on my own, without the intervention of medical treatments.

This time around it's more expensive. The plus side? We have a plan, the docs have a plan, but God has a bigger plan. The Lord likes when we have plans, but only when they involve Him. So my prayer is that it is God's will for me to be pregnant in 2010. I have a positive feeling that it'll be sooner than later though. We are much more aggressive this time around. I was very focused on doing an IUI when it was the right time for US. Whether it was money, or vacations to work around, or a certain month I didnt want to be huge in, blah blah blah. It hit me, I was doing it again. Trying to control, instead of opening my ears and listening to what my creator has in store for us. Afterall, we all know his timing IS perfect.

So the update.
Ovaries are good, still a little pcos, but nothin to be medicated about ;)
Dan's on his stuff, I'm on my stuff ( clomid,estrogen,progesterone,mucinex,vitamins,trigger and possible iui )
and that's all she wrote...for tonight.