I cant stop eating. Depression=eating for me. I'm so sick of eating too. Tonight I ate an entire bowl of banana pudding with fat free cool whip and I still feel disgusting. I crave going walking at night but it's either raining or too freakin cold. I just gotta do it. I told Dan, I need a good sweat. No, Dan, sex doesnt count.

I called my nurses today to tell them I'm skipping this cycle....for many reasons. My body needs a break, I need to lose 10 lbs in the next month, deductibles will be due in the new year which increases our  IUI cost. Maybe I should start playin the lotto.

Pray for Dan's Haiti trip. They are concerned about the rising election chaos in Haiti and for safety reasons the group is contemplating postponing the trip. Also pray that the funds are provided. We need $1,000 more in the next 4 weeks....which is very overwhelming to us.

I really dont want to think of going into this new year overwhelmed by future decisions and money matters and such. I want to be at peace about it all. I have been for a long time but recently everything is so up in the air.

I'm still numb, still bleeding, still fighting the migraines. I made an appt to see a new nurse practitioner ( mine moved to CA ) in January. It's time to get back on anti depressants and Ambien. This weather does me no good and i cannot shut my mind off at night. Now hows that for honesty?

yuck

Without getting graphic or TMI, lets just say it's over. I know this for a fact now after a visit to the restroom.

I'm extremely crampy and bloated, I think more than I've ever been, ever.

I do not feel God with me, I do not talk to him throughout my day. ( i realize he's just waiting for me to get out of this fog )I gotta snap out of it. i need to continue to be an example. but i gotta talk to him first.


Last night I laid around, fighting a migraine and cramps. My mom was here doing things around the house as I laid in bed. At 8:30 she tried to get me out of bed, and I told her I really cant move or I'd likely puke. She asked Dan what she should do, and started crying. She said you've got 18 friends outside ready to sing you carols. So they started singing carols through the living room window ( which is 20 feet from my bedroom )
I moved to the couch covering up my bawling eyes and listened to their sweet voices. ( 80% Of them are singers, so it was so great to hear )
My mom and sisters served them hot cider and cookies outside afterward, and only a couple people came in, so it wouldnt overwhelm me. They wrote sweet notes and it made my night.

Back to Reality

well that was a nice shopping hiatus.
But then reality hits.

I felt really sluggish again this morning, but I had to muster up energy to go sit and sing carols with my sisters/mom at my grandma's assisted living home. ( it bring them GREAT joy )
I stuffed down a small lunch but I was still so shakey.
We sang for 45 minutes, I had to remind myself to smile and act jolly.
By the time we were done I was NOT feeling like myself. I was in a fog, dizzy, nauseous and couldnt get home soon enough. My mom dropped Bryn and I back home and I crashed on my bed. Dan had to take my shoes off and get me situated. I cant explain how off I felt.
After laying down for 45 minutes or so I reluctantly got up, because my bladder told me so.
Sure enough, I'm bleeding. My poor body is like, wait, what? You want me to do what?? Awe helllllll nah.

Shoe Therapy?

You should know, it's rare when I buy shoes for myself. It's MAYBE twice a year. And I dont spend a lot, and never ever pay retail. I buy shoes for Bryn monthly because she grows like a weed. So ya, I got all these shoes for under $50, total.


Puma's for $18 ( retail for 45 )

Red Rain Boots $12 ( were 35? at Macys ) ( sibling pics for my parents christmas...shhh )

More rainboots for Bryn $12 on sale ( Kamik ) I cannot own enough of these for her. She just ripped a pair, so this is the replacement.

Gap for Bryn $6

Yesterday was really hard. I cry throughout the day. I just try not to think of it. I'm still cramping and very sluggish.
Praying isnt giving me comfort, so, I'll be honest, I shop. Thankfully i have Bryn's birthday in a couple weeks
so I have that to focus on, kinda.

I ordered these awesome cardboard suitcases. They match her room, and I'll likely keep 2 of the bigger ones on her dresser and the littlest one will be used to carry her "stuff" in when she goes to grams house. ( coloring stuff and dolls )

And for me: Over the past few years my eyelashes have dwindled. It's very sad. I've always wanted to try a serum to give them life again, but they usually cost over $100, easy.
Luckily for me, hautelook had Lashinaflash Serum for only $25.( retails for 100 ) So I snatched it up. It'll last me 2 months and it's a money back guarantee.
So when it arrives, you, my faithful readers will get the joy of watching my lashes grow. I'll post pics and reviews ( i might even do it on my other blog too )

In other news, here's my Christmas picture series.

Beta is 6.

God, why have you forsaken me?

12.20.10

Last night I had really really dull low back pain, it was painful. Enough for me to blind fully reach over for the vicodin at midnight. This has me worried, as I'm just now remembering my fear for an ectopic.
To make things worse, i told bryn i was going to have a baby a few days ago, and now several times a day she asks to hold the baby.

Going to church yesterday helped my spirits a bit. A couple friends reminded me of their very very low beta stories, and that helped too ( Thanks Tabitha and Emily ) But as I'm sitting here ready to go get my blood drawn, I'm just blah. I'm not even anxious. I am expecting it to be bad news. Maybe it's the shield I put up around my heart.

I'd rather it go down than to go up by 20. Because if it barely goes up, that just means more bloodwork...and ultimately more bad news.
We have spent over $3,000 cash ( so far) and have been trying all year to no avail. A girl can only take so much.

( thank you for those who comment, I take every comment to heart...especially those of you coming out of the woodwork, love you and appreciate you )

Beta #2

36.

You cant even begin to know how devastated I am. This number haunts me. It is the same number I had at 15 or 16 dpiui ( cant remember now )with my July miscarriage.
I'm numb, suffering from a migraine and pretty much wanna jump off a cliff.

Migraine

This is my second major migraine this month. It is ALWAYS in the same spot on my head and it's starting to worry me. I have vicodin I could take, however, the effects on  me would throw off my entire day, and it's 6am.
I got 30 minutes of sleep...and my beta test is in 1.5 hours. Lord help me get through this day.

Beta #1

Well beta number one is 23, at 13dpiui. ( anything over 5 is pregnant, and for my last iui cycle, it was 16dpiui with a 36 beta, so this is a good start )

My friend Kelley reminded me that any lower, and I'd be panicking, and any higher I'd be panicking. I kept telling her of my fear of multiples this time around, but now that it' 23, I'm a little less stressed about it. It's a risk I knowingly take when taking fertility drugs.

So I hang on once again til Friday for beta number two. Then Monday, Then Wednesday then Friday. Oh the joys of beta testing.

Thank you all for your support, I really really would like you to be praying that this baby grows and is healthy and I have a great full term pregnancy!!


*note, the past 3 days I get nauseous around 4pm*

12dpiui Test

Now we're talkin

11dpiui test

It's so stinkin light. you have to really stare...i'm an expert. ( it's a side by side line to the left of the T )

11dpiui

At our church, you can "adopt" someone ( who is less fortunate )for Christmas gifts. So yesterday I picked up a packet for a 9 month old girl. The "needs" were diapers, wipes and formula. The "wants" were blankets and onesies. Boy is the humbling, the fact that her want list is so simple. Babies do not need all the bells and whistles they have out there. ( like wipe warmers and shopping cart covers. )
So off I went, shopping for the needs first. Can I tell you, I had to look up online what size diaper a 9 month old wears? And I was quickly reminded how expensive formula can be? It's allllll coming back to me.

And for good reason.


11dpiui, and I find myself staring at a pregnancy test with a second line. yes, it's very early still, but it's a very very faint line. A line is a line. So as you imagine, I'll be testing every day this week, til my Beta on Friday. Lets pray this baby sticks and that this is indeed real.

PS. I'm not announcing ANYTHING ...ANYTHING to anyone until I've heard/seen a heartbeat. My family will know on Christmas morning. And only you readers know what's up.

2 sleeps til I test.
As I was planning the future kick ass nursery ( It's a constant thing for me..) little bits of doubt creeped in. Like I found myself saying in my head, you're likely not pregnant, so stop planning. How sad.
For cryin outloud I have a design board for my unborn child's nursery plan. I need to settle down a bit.

Low dull cramping again today, nothing new, nothin to be alarmed about....it's likely the progesterone.

When doubt creeps in, like it did today, I truly find myself singing "He is Lord" to get the devil out of my head. He IS Lord, He's the creator of life, ANYTHING is possible through him.

So once again, I sing to you..( forgive the cheese, and forgive the fact i'm laying down so there is a couple flats )

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/8015814/21266919

5dpiui

So here I am 5dpiui. The Lord has answered my prayers in that I want to not think of this 2ww. Maybe once a day it crosses my mind, which is very very good for me. I havent been sleeping well, that's thanks to my estrogen and progesterone no doubt. Little bit more cramping today. I'm debating whether I should test on Monday, which is 11dpiui. I have got light positives on that day before, but it is kinda torture. Thoughts?

IUI today

What a great day.

Dan and I went to the clinic, while my youngest sister babysat ( clueless as to what we were doing. )
We prayed outloud the entire way there. We prayed for everything involving the IUI, the nurses, the people working behind the scenes for us, for my body, prayed for all my IF sisters that are now pregnant, and for those who are still trying and for many other things, including praises too.
We were giddy when we arrived, felt very positive. Cash in hand ( which was a last minute miracle from God, seriously ) we paid off the IUI and went upstairs to get our sperm ( lol )
The paper arrived in front of us with glorious numbers. 30 million post wash ( 192 million pre wash ) awesome motility, awesome morph and everything else. I was SO pleased and Dan was relieved.
We went downstairs just glowing, with our sperm in the bottle, as I tightly had it in my grip.
My nurses were fantastic as always. I laid there listening to my nurse telling me how nearly identical this cycle is to the one I had with Brynlee. It has taken this long for me to have a cycle like this. God knows what he's doing.
The IUI was painless, didnt even feel a thing. We laid there for 25 minutes and off we went, just glowing and thankful and at peace.

So here I sit, it's 11pm and I'm so FULL I cant explain it. Insane cramping and such, but I'm not complaining :)

So here comes the 2 week wait. I'm praying I'm staying busy.
Thanks for your support girls.

IUI a go

Thank you for your prayers, emails and texts. They were heard and I had peace.
I have THREE follicles to work with, and I got triggered today. Doesnt get much better than that. Once again she complimented me on my beautiful big follicles *awe shucks* and after looking at my history and contemplating whether to trigger today or tomorrow, she felt good about today. I had my sister with me, and she certainly learned a lot. It's different when you actually get to see things on an ultrasound.
My lining is a 7 which is great.

My IUI is 11:15 tomorrow. Pray for Dan, Dan's numbers, and that we get one beautiful embryo out of this.
I love the Lord, and I love that it's been 6 months since my last iui, and yet, he kept me busy, and full of hope for this cycle.

December 1

Yesterday, after my appt, I gained the worst migraine Of.My.Life. I've never been so crippled and nauseous ever. From 2pm til 11pm I suffered. I only passed out because I managed to find Vicodin. But I was still fighting throwing up...actually, still am.

So today I have another ultrasound at 1pm, and my sister ( Suz ) is driving me there. So that'll be interesting. My family knows I'm doing an IUI "sometime" in December but has no clue how close I am. I like to confuse them with general dates, especially because I'll know if I'm pregnant the week before Christmas, and I'll wanna tie that in to Christmas morning...

She'll get to see my follicle ultrasound and possibly trigger shot. I like it because she'll get a taste of what I do all the time and I know she'll appreciate it.

So today I'm a couch mom. I'll be parenting from the couch. Rudolph is on, Bryn is happy and painting too.

Stay tuned.