The Temptations are coming!

Going on day 3 of this diet. 1500 calories, mostly made up of  2-3 protein shakes a day, small salads and tiny snacks. I'm ready to clobber someone. I'm irritable and starving. Not to mention my back is in so much pain and my legs are jello.

But temptations are all around me. Next weekend I am going out to breakfast with friends, going to a show in Seattle that'll require a dinner out, eating out with my family every sunday, a toddler that eats crackers in front of me, A husband that eats anything and doesnt gain an ounce, Halloween, Thanksgiving, yada yada yada.

It IS a mental game. I get it. But right now, I'm starving. And I really want chicken strips.

However, I've already lost weight. My weigh in is Tuesday.

Let the weight loss commence!

I have a personal trainer. I know he'll be a great fit for me. He was nearly 300 lbs in high school, and you'd never know it now. I know he gets it, he's not some meat head or d-bag that wants to run your arse into the ground.
I've got my nutrition plan, my protein shakes, vitamins and a fitness plan. I'm also gonna do the biggest loser competition at the gym, since it's free w/my training, i get access to all the group classes ( including zumba ) and a little competition couldnt hurt me.
So all in all, I'm encouraged. The goal is to lose 48lbs in 60 days. Just typing that out freaks me out.

I should mention ( since this IS an infertility blog...but turnin into a weight loss blog..) that next cycle I'll be doin 100mg clomid with a hcg. I had some given to me, which I'm so thankful for.

Thanks for the emails of support :)

Day 1

Sometimes, something will trigger me to cry, the ugly cry.

Take this morning for instance. I was expecting to walk into the gym, use my 2 week free pass, ( for now ) and walk out without talking to anyone. That was the plan.
Instead, the manager just happened to ask me if I wanted more kids. It caught me off guard and I lost it. I was that moron that kept apologizing, saying I never do this! I explained that the weight I've gained is a daily reminder of my failed pregnancies, failed fertility treatments and depression. And I'm sick of it. I dont have much accountability, and I ended up hiring a personal trainer, because I wont have any excuses. There's a hot girl inside of me, screaming to be let out. I used to be extremely confident and outgoing, and that's slowly deteriorated.  When they explained what my goal weight was, and how I will be there in 6 months if I do everything I'm told, I about shat my pants. Truth is, I do not believe I can achieve it. I know it's a big issue.
It's great having Bryn in preschool 2 days a week, and my gym is only 2 miles away from her school, so no more excuses.

It's days like this that I'm reminded just how bad I hurt, daily. I've been an expert of shoving infertility hurts deep deep down inside and putting on a brave face. Oscar worthy, really.

Especially after this cycle, my period will now be called shark week

cd1 9.15.11

September 2011

My sweet 90 year old nana died. It was such a long miserable road of dimensia, alzheimers and many falls in the last 6 months. She had hip replacement surgery last week and she just was so weak.
I'm of course so sad, especially for my mom. She's an orphan now. She took such amazing care of her parents. It's very, very hard to see her hurt.
I cannot imagine not believing in heaven, or God. I can be at peace because I WILL see her again. What an amazing promise the Lord gave us. If you are reading this, and have no idea what I'm talking about, email me. It's what I'm on this earth for.

I've been so ill these last 10 days. Started with a cold and grew into strep throat. I havent been sick like that in maybe 7 years?

On a fertility note, On occasion I'll say something really OUT there reguarding baby making, or joke, or whatever, never knowing who it will effect.
I posted this photo, with the note saying "Dear Target, Are you SURE these are for Tree fertilizing? Because I'm not above trying new things...Sincerely, Steph.

An old friend emailed me, someone I would not expect to, saying that it struck a chord with her. She came out of her shell and reached out for encouragement and advice. She thought it was funny, but it made her think.
It does pay for me to be an open book reguarding infertility. It's the only way that I can continue on this mission field. Some people just need SOMETHING SOMEHOW to bring up this super sensitive subject.

Preach it!

Those facebook statuses that claim to raise awareness for breast cancer finally pissed me off this week.
This girl says it just right.

http://bigmamatales.blogspot.com/2011/09/it-does-not-raise-any-awareness-i-swear.html?spref=fb