How am I feelin?

Just for my own notes...

1. still cramping
2. not much of an appetite
3. sluggish
4. any heat on my abdomen makes it worse
5. bloated like you wouldnt believe. I look 12 weeks.
6. Technically i'm 7 weeks 2 days. But we wont know for a bit still...
7. I'm not sleeping. Very Very uncomfy and restless. Even a nap is a fight.
8. Lower back pain.

Sounds like a lot, but Brynlee was much much worse on me :)

I'm growing even more upseat and frustrated at the lack of professionalism and sincerity at the GYFT Clinic.
I'm realizing things about yesterday's appt.

1. They didnt take me to the u/s room, because it was full. So they put me on the fertility side with the ancient old school box of an u/s machine. I would have waited for the "good " room.
2. No nurse, or u/s tech was present. Just Dan, and the doc
3. He was not aggressive with the dildo cam, which you need to be with me to see anything because of the tilted uterus.
4. He immediately said, it's still so early, not much to see, we want to have u/s's when you have a beta of over 2,000. ( i later got my beta back, it was 2,660 at the time of the appt )
5. After pointing out the "flicker" we saw in the blurry gray screen that was my uterus, he said but you still could have an ectopic in the coming weeks, so go immediately to the ER if you have pain. WTF? Didnt you just say that these things usually turn out for the good?

Come back in 8 days, we'll have a better picture. That was the last words. I wish they'd suck it up and get with the times and buy a friggin nice machine so that ppl like me dont have to wonder and worry anymore.

Ultrasound

Yesterday was our u/s. I went in EXPECTING to get an answer, good or bad. NOT.
This whole experience has been blurry to me, nothing has been clear.
So naturally, the u/s was unclear.
So unclear, that we couldnt see my tubes or a clear sac. HOWEVER, the doc ( not u/s tech ) saw a constant flicker immediately in my uterus. That gave me hope. Old u/s machine? maybe. Tilted uterus? Maybe.
He went on to say that there is still time for an ectopic ( if that flicker was not a heartbeat, and just molecules moving around ) and if I had any severe pain, to get to the ER.
He did say that more often than not, he sees these kind of situations turn out right.
So I have to wait another week.

I think God's telling me to drop my expectations and just let it go.

We had SUCH a great 3 days away in Leavenworth. I cant tell you how badly my soul needed it. Dan, Bryn, Sayle, mom and I stayed in a koa kamping kabin, with warm weather, campfire, swimming and good food. I completely forgot my problems, truly. I dont have anything really goin on this week, and that's what I fear. I need to get busy.

29dpiui

What a rollercoaster.

I go from having a horrrrrrid migraine for 2.5 days, to losing hope that I have a live baby growing within me, to today's beta.

409 to 771. NEARLY double. Doubling time of 52 hours. So here we go again. With what little hope I have left, Dan and I are headed to Leavenworth w/ my Brynlee, mom and sister to find the 80 degree weather I long for, and to clear my head.

The nurses both said today, they still think that I am losing or lost a twin. So the remaining baby is trying to play catch up. But we'll see. My greatest fear is an ectopic. Please Lord, not me.

Ultrasound on Monday at 3:15.

Lord help me.

I have had the worst migraine I've had in a while. It's lasted 24 hours now. I've probably only had 5 hours of true sleep in 24 hours with this beast. It's on one side of my head, piercing pain that cannot be soothed. I've been up since 4:30am. It's just miserable. I'm going to get a massage at 2, hoping that cures me. I miss having a restful sleep, I dont even know what that looks like.

Still cramping, still sluggish. Bryn and I walked last night, and went to the park, but the headache was just too much.

27dpiui = 409 ( doubling time of 84.19 hours ) I'm not thrilled. In fact, I feel like throwing in the towel. My nurse is so negative. Dan is taking me away for the weekend. I'm so tired, my soul is just shaking. Its exhausting having this much faith for this long.

24 days

DPO	Beta	Doubling time from previous test
16	36	(none)
20	71	97.98 hrs
22	126	58.00 hrs
24	226	56.95 hrs

My nurse doesnt know what she's talkin bout or somethin. She keeps insisting that the numbers MUST double within 48 HOURS. Everything online says you should double within 48-72 hours. Notice my numbers are getting smaller, meaning better.

Today I am tired. I'm not sleeping well at all. Between the weird dreams and bad lower back pain, I'm not getting much of a break. I dont know whats up with the backpain. I thought it was my sciatica, but it's not, it's a very sore spot in the middle low low back. Wondering if because I'm cramping in the front my back is feeling it too? Who knows. So I'm not feeling rested at all. I MUST have a nap. The cramping doesnt stop either.
It was so odd to hear the nurse say that I'm still in the cell division phase. I thought, seriously? STILL? Off to do research.

Beta #3

So here I wait. It's 9:45am and I had my beta an hour ago. I'll know in about 3-4 hours. I cried out and talked to God all the way to the clinic, and all the way back. I pray that we prove the nurses wrong, and give God all the glory. I pray that even though my numbers are slow to climb, that I can praise him for GIVING me these pregnant numbers. Praise him through the storm, right? IF girls call this time Beta hell. It truly is. But I am the daughter of the king of kings and therefore I shall not doubt. I am pregnant right now. I pray He sustains this life inside me and grows into a healthy baby.
I cannot have an ultrasound til I'm atleast 1500. That seems forever. Forever til I can breathe.
I'll update in a few hours.

Update:

126. I'm not sure how I feel. I guess encouraged? It didnt double, but it went up, and nearly doubled. I'll take what I can get and learn to be happy for the moment.

Today I felt like crap. I was very very crampy on my left side, to the point where i expected to see blood every time i went to the bathroom. i could barely nap, due to my low, dull back pain, that I thought was sciatica, but it's not, because my usual relief method doesnt work. yes i'm worried about my beta tomorrow, more so because I dont know what would be a "good" number. If it goes up but doesnt double, what does that mean? If it shoots way way up, what does THAT mean? I dont think I'll breathe til the ultrasound.

edit:

It's 10:50pm and I'm cramping like mad on my left side...like my ovary is throbbing sorta deal. Everything feels better when i lay down. I didnt get much done today. Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow.

20dpiui

beta is 72.
I've been in bed all day.
I'm numb, scared, frustrated, confused and bawling my eyes out.

It's one thing to have someone miscarry, it's another when you go through so much to get pregnant with infertility then lose a pregnancy.

It could be a vanishing twin, it could be ectopic, it could be miscarriage, it could be a late late late implanter and slow starter.

I'm still pregnant, as of now. But I'm not thrilled with the number, either is my nurse.
Now the next dreaded wait for 2 more days.

I'm praying for a miracle.

Well, beta at 16dpiui was 36. Lower than I wanted, but definitely pregnant. I was a nervous wreck, and even worse because I had to wait from thursday, to tomorrow, monday.
Thankfully the Lord blessed me with a jam packed weekend, leaving no room for doubt or worry. I was even brave enough to announce it to my family and only a couple close prayer warriors. So we are praying for big numbers tomorrow.
I'm very bloated, clothes arent fitting because of it, and this is how it was with Brynlee. I started showing around 10,11,12 weeks with her, but it was chub. It'll be interesting to see how different or the same this pregnancy is.
Again, I'm seriously still in shock, and a little bit of denial. Although I continue to cramp low, and dull, which is my reminder that I am growing a human.

15dpiui

Again, another faint line.
I've never had so many questions about pregnancy tests than this particular cycle though. First time I got BFP with Brynlee, I didnt question it, I just called the RE and they got me in.
So here I am 15dpiui, with a 2nd day of faint bfps. I hear " a line is a line" and I've even said it to people over the years, but when it's YOU, you doubt it if it's faint. I understand it's the dye in the test. However, I doubt because I thought the line would be darker today? I mean, if a very pregnant woman took a test today, with me, her line WOULD be darker because her HCG is higher, right?

Yes my beta is tmrw. But I'm holding my breath til FRIDAY because that's when we'll see if it doubles. What a long week.

14dpiui

Today I tested at just before 8 am, and again at 11:30.
Both faint lines, within 5 minutes.
I'm dying here. Could it be??
Last night I cried to the Lord. Lord, give me a period tomorrow, or let me see a BFP.
I may have got my answer.
The pics dont do them justice

Took yet another test. Yes, I'm testing twice a day.
Another "evap" line, or so I think. Here's the thing though, the line keeps getting darker, and it's pink...on a blue test. Such a tease. Dan's bringing me more tests in the morning. I hate this.

13dpiui

I'm bloated, I've gained weight, I've fallen off the weight watchers bandwagon, I am slugglish, I'm cramping madly.

Still, Negative.

I STILL have to wait to thursday to have a beta. That is 3 freaking more days of misery. I'd just rather see my period come at this point. I feel it coming.

I feel like I'm in limbo. Half of me is SCREAMING inside, and I'm in so much pain, and my heart hurts. The other half is like, just wait, wait for it, wait for it...whatever that means. It's a battle inside me.

11dpiui

I tested at 4:30am. Negative. Stark White. Devastated.
I tested at 2pm. Negative. Went back a lil later, faint line. Made my heart sank, but it must have been a evap line.
Because I tested at 10pm. Stark White Negative.

My heart just reeeeaaally wants to be hopeful and tell myself it's early. But my mind is trying to tell me to give up and expect my period.

I feel like my period is comin. Lord, dont let it come. My heart cannot take it.

10

I caved and tested this morning.
It was negative.
I must say, i was slightly surprised. However, with Brynlee, my bfp was on 11dpiui, and was VERY faint. So God didnt allow me to wallow for very long :)
I still have faith. I had a very bad migraine from 6am to6pm today. It sucker punched me hard. I feel sluggish and very bloated. I havent weighed in at WW because of the hormones I'm on.

So I will test in the mornin, followed by a lovely shopping trip to either celebrate, or help me mourn.

9dpiui 10dptrigger

It dawned on me last night, maybe my sore boobs arent really sore because of a symptom, but sore as a side effect from prometrium? That little bit of doubt lasted a couple hours last night and into my morning. Not thrilled about this thought, and I'm trying not think about it.

I'm going to try my HARDEST not to test tmrw. 10dpiui is a little early, but it'll be 11 days since the trigger shot. So it's very risky. If I see a positive, I'll worry it's the trigger. If I see a negative, I'll be crushed. See how I'm talking myself out of it?

Praying for my friend Elizabeth, who's having troubles with her PIO, and hopefully moving to pills/supps. She tests next week! ( ivf2 )

Praying for Kelley, she has an IUI today and tomorrow!

8dpiui

I went in to my clinic yesterday to get meds for my bladder infection, I'm already feeling much better. I was bold enough to tell my nurse that I think I'm pregnant.

In other news, my boobs are incredibly sore. My boobs do not get sore before a period or even on a period. And yes, I'm still cramping.