Estrogen and stuff

I'm on day 2 of Estrogen.

My friend Kelley so graciously met me at Ikea today and gave me my trigger shot and a box of OPKs. Such an answer to prayer.

I found myself getting a lil crazy from clomid today ( no patience ) but I'm aware of it so I'm keeping it under wraps as much as I can.

On my weight watchers note, I've lost 3 lbs in 20 days. Good number. I want better though.

My friend from bible study is so sweetly letting me borrow her bodybugg til November to try it out. She swears by it. It'll be interesting. I'm staying within my boundaries of weight watchers, however, I know I'm lacking protein and water. So my goal this week is to fix that, and eat breakfast. Even just toast.

On another note, I went to Anthropologie and U-village with my bff Alicia on Saturday. It was perrrrfect. I was shocked, but I fit into a gorgeous navy blue dress. On sale for $70. Ouch. However, Alicia and I both 'bout died, and I havent worn a dress since Dan's grandpas funeral and I was like 7 months pregnant. That doesnt count. So it's the perfect thing to wear to the wedding i'm going to in Indiana in a few weeks, and then I can wear it again for an October wedding. Pretty stoked to be excited to buy a dress. FINALLY.

I get my hair did on Wednesday, goin dark again.

Things are looking up.

Last day o' clomid

The most digusting taste I've had in a very long while, is pill dust. I'll explain. Half of my clomid pills were crushed/dust in their package. I literally had to throw the dust in the back of my mouth and chug water. I shiver typing this. It's so bad. blech.

I start my estrogen tomorrow.

Anyways..weight watchers is goin, meh. I havent weighed in for 2 weeks ( oops ) but I'm being careful as to what I am eating....but still not eating breakfast. My biggest downfall.

I was kind of trippin yesterday, realizing that September is in sight. I have a very very busy September, which is fun. At one point, Dan and Bryn will be in Minnesota for 5 days, come back, then I leave 2 days later for Indiana with my sisters/parents for a wedding. I also have 2 big projects to do, by my lonesome.

Bryn's been obsessed with "amma" ( my mom ). She wakes up asking to go to her house, and throughout the day. It's super annoying. I dont want my mom to get annoyed or tired of babysitting ( which only happens like once a week or every other week ) so i try not to ask, since she's working, she gets tired. But its hard when you have a 2 yr old begging to go see her. Oh well, she'll learn.

That's all for now

Cycle day 4.

Tonight, I had a date with a clomid pill. Why? Because miraculously I started my period ON MY OWN, a month after my D&E ( Praise the Lord almighty )

So i'm cheating, and with donated and leftover meds, I'm goin this cycle alone. Well, without an IUI. Shhh, dont tell anyone.

The plan:

Me: Clomid, Mucinex, Estrodiol, OPKs, Trigger

Him: Doxycycline, mucinex? L-Argenine

We'll be chugging water and jumpin bones like it's nobody's business. wink wink.

Fail.

Well my exercises have consisted of domestic things. Such as weeding like crazy, fertilizing, watering, and just moving a lot. Last week i did sprints in my backyard, but now it's so friggin hot that is not something i look forward to. Unfortunately I didnt do fabulous with the diet yesterday. I met my points, but I couldve had more fruits. That's the big one I'm lacking these days. Weigh in is tomorrow morning. I'm camping at the end of the week, so i'll be eating better then, i eat light.

I got to spend a few hours and a couple days with my bff Alicia, i've missed her so. Got some playdates in with others, been getting a LOT done around the house.

On another note..I'm tired of this single mom business. Dan worked 5 nights in a row last week ( meaning we had 2 hours a day with him ) He had last night off, and now has 4 nights in a row to work again. No matter what time i put Bryn down, she's up at 6am. She's been whiney and bored.

Today we went in the hot tub at 9:30 for a long time ( it's like 88 in there )..I made jambalaya for lunch ( and dinner )..napped, and basically was in my bathing suit all day...hair slicked back look, so not tan ( it's gone ) and just yuck. So naturally I get a visitor, Dan's carpool friend, who is so pretty and thin with curly blonde hair, newly pregnant and getting married. I havent met her before in person, just online stuff. Awesome. So here I am sitting on my couch, looking horrid, no makeup, naked Bryn sitting next to me, with no sunlight coming through the windows becuse everything is covered up because of the heat. And that is our first meeting. FAIL.

WW weigh in #1

I weighed in today, for the first time in 3 months ( almost exactly ) at weight watchers. I was expecting up to 10lbs gained. Nope. TWO. TWO pounds. I'm thrilled. This is an easy thing for me to lose. I've likely lost a few lbs this week, because i KNOW I gained with my IF meds. So I'd like to lose 4 lbs by next Monday. Dan works every night this week, leaving little room for me to walk at night like I had planned, but I've improvised by doing sprints in the backyard at night. I'll start my squats/jumping jacks/planks tonight. My sciatica is back, and I know it's back due to not walking 4 miles every other night like I was doin.

I'm encouraged, excited and ready to do this thang.

Countdown to Pinup.

106 days from now, I will be in full 40's pinup photoshoot to support the american cancer society, thanks to Christy Pelland.
This excites me, and TERRIFIES me. This is the first time I'm going to have to be accountable for my weight loss ( along with weight watchers ) and actually SHOW it off.
My goal is 20 pounds. I wont be the skinniest one, in fact I hope to be pregnant by then. But I still need to do this
If I stick to WW, I know I can do this.
My husband is thrilled, even though we are putting money out for this, it's going to a great foundation, giving me a goal, and my husband a christmas present, wink wink.

I'm suddenly motivated, disgusted with what i see in my cabinets, and anxious for cooler weather so I can start jogging/walking. I'll do Jillian's shred on the side, and thanks to my friend Michelle, may start Biggest Loser's Yoga.
This is what i need right now. Something in the distance to focus on and distract me from my baby problems.

Here are some of the examples of c.pelland photography. Christy and I were BFF's in Elementary school, she's incredibly gifted. ( above )

Ramblings.

Well, I wasnt up for writing tonight, but i logged into this account instead of my other one, so I guess I should write.

We're back from our Cabo trip. I started out feeling like it was going to be a chore to go, I'll be honest. I was still cramping and on vicodin from the DNC and just not with it. I've been hum drum and melancholy, goin with the flow, emotionless really. Miserable. I was a couch mom, understandably, but I'm still a bit unmotivated. Thankfully I picked up a couple design clients to keep me busy and focus on that, and do my part in bringing in cash.

When I go away on vacation, no matter how big or small, after a couple days, my mind completely erases my problems. I block it out. I dont know how, must be the grace of God. However, whenever I'd go to do something fun on this trip, or swim too much or whatever, I'd either bleed or lose tissue. That was all it took to take me back to that dark place. What a nightmare.

So I'm back to reality, trying to get back in the groove. Bryn's been very trying on our patience, lots of tantrums, and I'm trying to take it with ease. This too shall pass sorta attitude.

The bad news is, I cannot focus. I'm so scatterbrained right now, I dont know how to center myself. I've got design brain right now, but I need to have parent brain 100% right now to nail these tantrums down. I also need to figure out details on our next getaway in 2 weeks, save for another trip in September for fam reunion, fix up the yard, blah blah blah.

When I TRY to think about the loss, or waiting for my period, or starting meds again, or seeing my doctor or waiting waiting some more, my brain doesnt click on. It is the weirdest thing, and it's driving me nuts. We went into this last IUI fuzzy brained too, nothing truly felt right, we were scrambling a lot, and nothing felt "lined up" if that makes sense. We had such a smooth ride ( if there is such a thing...) with Bryn's IUI, we expected that. But didnt get it, at all. So to have that familiar fuzzy brained madness, it very unsettling.

In the meantime, I continue to get emails, even from complete strangers lifting me up. I have dozens of wonderful women online that ask about me daily. I have cards coming in the mail ( still ) and it makes me happy. I hate when people dont say anything. I now know that I dont wanna be that person, that when something bad happens to a friend, I dont say anything for fear of whatever. SAY SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I guarantee that person hurting, will remember it.

I've even met some great people. I know this is my ministry. It is a sucky ministry. I hate that I'm back in this ministry again. The ministry of sharing my faith through these dark times. Not just loss, but infertility. I realize there are so many women out there ( and that I know personally ) that have had multiple losses. I only know they get through them through Christ. That is the only way. I hope that through this mess, I am able to shine the light to the hopeless. Even when I myself feel hopeless. God is bigger.