Day after

Today was better. I slept just ok, however I'm cranky...
My mom was sweet enough to take Bryn pretty much from 3-9pm
We went and got me a new phone, which i'm not thrilled about. I wouldve kept my lil rumor phone til the day i died, but noooo it had to quit on me.
My dear friend Kelly brought us yummy food.
We briefly visited the Gagnons in their new house down by us, brought them strawberries and shortcake to cool them down.
We had dinner at Rach and Justin's ( my brother in laws brother and wife , family to us ) which was nice but the cramping continues so i'm back at home with a dose of vicodin and a shot of that stuff that Dan has to do.
I've had little bleeding. Obviously if i'm walking around/standing, I have more spotting.
The doc was generous with the vicodin so I'll be just fine. Now I wait for the bloat to come off me.

D&E

I broke down last night. I turned on one of my fave worship songs " He is Lord" by Hillsong and sobbed my way through singing it. I havent worshipped my Lord in a couple of weeks. He knows my thoughts and heart, and I talk to him there, but I've been so shelled up. I let it out and praised him through this storm. To be cheesy, here's a snipit of me singing it.

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/8015814/21266919

I woke up today with some nerves. Dan and I left at 10am because we needed to go to a special pharmacy to get a shot of Rhogam because I'm RH Negative. They didnt have it. I HAVE to have this shot ( given by Dan ) within 72 hours of my surgery. On top of that, they claimed our insurance wouldnt cover it. $200. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS for a drug that screams life or death. It's very serious. Dan got it figured out, they had to promise they'd have it for us tomorrow. On top of that, we still have to pay for this surgery. Lovely. The baby is gone, but the bills add up, still.

I broke down in the lobby before surgery, it's all so final. I got all dressed in my gown and waited for an hour for the doc to arrive late.

We warned the anesthesiologist that I puke my brains out after any surgery. Dan got all technical with different suggestions for drugs to try on me. That might have saved me.

I laid on the table once the doc came, and they started strapping me down, IV, BP cuffs, blood clot cuffs on my calves. Dr Robinette was peaceful and kept his hands on my stomach while everyone did their task. Everyone was friendly and was genuinely interested in my line of work and Dan's. I of course cracked jokes to put everyone at ease, for them to know I wouldnt go bat shit crazy on the table, since they were taking my baby from me. They laughed and laughed.

Before I knew it I was awake, groggy, but awake. No puke down the front of me, just very very heavy eyes and minor cramping. It took 45 minutes to wake up ( 10 min surgery ) I ate saltines and water ( sore throat though ) and was discharged 30 minutes later.

I was surprised how ok I felt.

My mom had Brynlee for most of the day, it was excellent. She even cleaned, and installed a cat door that we had been talking about.

I rested my eyes for a few hours ( dont remember actually dosing off ) and Dan kept the Vicodin flowing.

All my family was here around dinner time, just hanging out. Suz brought us a yummy dinner, Sayle ( who I havent seen in a week ) came in crying and rubbed my arms and legs on the bed while we cried together. I love my family.

It's 9pm and this dreaded day is almost over. Atleast, the day I thought was dreaded. I know I have a LOT of people praying for me. Alicia and Tabitha specifically, have been my warriors and i'm thankful.

I'm having just a bit of spotting, my cramping is trying to start up again. All and all, not too bad.


Out of pocket=

Consultation= $160
Drugs ( including progesterone ) =$180
IUI /trigger with monitoring= $1200 ( est. the u/s' for follies are most expensive )
Gas spent going to Tacoma every other day for 4 weeks?= $60
2 speeding tickets ( in the mail ) on those u/s days? = $200
D&E out of pocket = $300 ( est, likely more )
Rhogam shot = $200
Vicodin and anti nausea = 94 cents ( best money spent right here )

Yesterday i slept, a lot. Dan got up with Bryn at 7am, and I laid there for a while, but fell back asleep HARD til noon, I needed that. The night before he gave me a narcotic that drifted over til yesterday so I was lagging all day. I managed to make dinner, which was lame.

Last night was hard. Dan went back to work for the night, since our d&e is put off til tmrw. I was a couch mom for the most part, but pushed Bryn on the swing and had a popcicle with her outside for a bit.

Thankfully Bryn went down without much of a fight. But the texts keep coming, friends try to call, my inbox is full, and reading them just puts me back into tears.

I get it. I get that women do this all the time. But for me, 9 weeks is rough. It's an even bigger slap in the face that it was an IF baby. I was able to talk to a guy friend ( from our old church )..I've always been an ear for him, and he's a dear friend. I couldnt talk about me, but instead I wanted him to vent to me, and I needed that a bit.

I cried and cried after though.

Dan texted me at 5am saying he's losin it. He cant focus at work, everytime he stops he starts to cry. Not exactly the thing to do in an ER. I dont think we know how to deal, honestly. I think I'm holding my breath til tomorrow, when it's out of me.

The future seems very overwhelming. We met with a doc yesterday whos doing the surgery, and we have to wait 2 cycles before treatments again. It can take up to 2 months to even get your period back. This completely throws me off. I had plans. I dont prefer to be in my last trimester during summer. I dont want to wait til christmas to start again. I'm praying for a miracle, a miracle that my period comes ASAP.

There is also the problem of money. We wasted so much money on this cycle. Now we have the D&E and it'll cost hundreds. The medical bills are stacked up. We have so much goin on this fall. My mind is so fuzzy.

Spoke too soon.

Here I am just barely 9 weeks.
Yesterday we had our u/s and saw no heartbeat.
Dan and I were absolutely not expecting this, especially after such a positive strong heartbeat
one week ago. We are numb, full of sorrow, completely broke off our asses now, and hopeless.

D&C is scheduled for Thursday. because baby is formed so well, they will just suction it out, not scrape or dilate. I hate hate anesthesia. Not looking fwd to the recovery. This whole thing has been evil. So evil. Why God allowed it, I do not know. We worked so hard for this miracle, spent nearly 2k on this cycle, and to wind up with a dead baby? I sit here shaking my head. It's cruel.

We leave for our family vacation to Mexico on the 24th. 11 days from now. I'm fat, broke, full of hormones and feeling empty inside.

Brynlee has been our saving grace, once again.

She was at the appt yesterday, stayed very quiet with us all. On the ride home, we cried and cried and she would offer up her sweet little words of " tis okay, momma"...."hug, momma?" How can you not smile. She keeps us goin.

Oh ya, and I'm craving watermelon like mad. Also craving bad stuff like burgers and fries. I had burger king today, it was soooo good. But i cannot keep up with this trend. Before, I had my gallbladder to keep me from gaining weight ( because gallstones made me puke ) but this time I have to seriously be on my weight gain. I have no desire to cook, at all. AT ALL. It makes me sick thinking about it.

We havent told Dan's fam yet. They are so busy or gone a lot so we havent been able to skype them. So we wait for that. In the meantime, I told my family same day Sayle graduated from high school. We had a dinner outside, here's their reaction. ( they thought i was setting up the camera for a timer )

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/7646756?fr=yvmtf

Migraine, Potty Training, Nursery start up

Well, that nasty migraine is back on the left side. I am so desperate I'm drinking mountain dew and it's 6am. Gross. I didnt sleep well because it kept waking me up.

Other than that, I'm still very bloated, trying to drink lots more water. Its gonna be in the 90's for the next few days, hoping to get to Picha's pool, since we didnt put ours up this year.

In other news, Bryn herself, has taken charge of the potty training situation. I take her diaper off first thing when she wakes up, and she tells me when she needs to go. She has done this for 3 days now, only having 1 accident. Thankfully it's hot out so she can run around with no bottoms on. She insists I go in the bathroom with her, but Dan and I both cannot be there with her, cant blame the gal. She sits on the ring ontop of the toilet, and i have a lil step stool beside it so she can get up. Funny thing is, I spent the money on a nice, cool, Boon potty chair/step stool. It's so cute, but it's not the toilet to her. Go figure. I just keep reminding her, " dont go potty on the floor, you go to the toilet now " and she gets it....

I'll try undies on her maybe today or tomorrow. I think when she has ANYTHING down there she thinks she can go in it, but we'll see.

I started on the nursery. Yes you read that right.The room has been neglected for years. It also has over 15 holes ( knots in the boards ) on the walls, so it's been a pain to fill them with paper then caulk them, then spackle. It also had hideous orangeish wood trim/with doors of the same color, so I painted it white. Never thought i'd paint that trim, but I didnt want to strip it then stain it. Plus the other rooms upstairs have white trim ( other than landing ) so I didnt feel too bad. The carpet upstairs is blah. I have thought about putting new carpet in, but it's not on my priority list. Maybe this winter. In the nursery, under the carpet is wood flooring. Tempting.
I have the decor plan in my head. Oddly enough it's more modern and unisex. No matter what the sex, the walls will be my trusty super light teal blue. Cant go wrong.

Houston, we have a heartbeat

Doctors predicted ectopic, take this bitches! ( sorry, i had to )

Full strong heartbeat.

We are measuring abit behind ( according to those idiots with the ancient u/s machines ) but as of now I'm 7w1d

One week til next u/s.

I cannot stress to you how bloated I am. It was so bad that I had to completely unbutton my pants last night in the theatre ( saw Eclipse ..soooo good ) still cramp at random. I sneezed big yesterday and seriously felt like i blew out my uterus it hurt so bad. This morning I am borderline nauseous. All good signs, I'll take them.

Bryn

These days Bryn is so funny. She keeps me sane.
Instead of no thanks, it's "no please." Or when she gifts us something, she'll say "there ya go, please"

She's very into babies. ( ironic ) Her few stuffed animals and one baby are all babies in her eyes. She gets "blankies" ( dish towels ) and wraps them up. So you can imagine her little heart when a real infant is around her. She hasnt shown any signs of being the jealous type. Thank the Lord.

She's currently into putting "bans" ( bandaids) on her owies,wandering by herself outside,eating dirt while playing in it, swimming, trampoline at grams house, not a big eater AT ALL, although she could live on strawberries. She saw her first movie in the theatre, toystory 3 and acted as if she'd done it many times.

She's pretty darn good at hearing me. She ALWAYS acknowledges me when I call her name, with a " yes mamaaaaaaaaaa?" or "yaaaaaa?"

Still gets out of bed at night ( while trying to fall asleep ), but she quietly comes downstairs in the morning and wakes me up. She demands a hug and kiss ( both ) when dan goes to bed or work, or I put her to sleep.

Suz is letting her borrow her stuffed husky dog, that's a new love.

She has the most fantastic expressions, well she has since birth really.

She loves our family. She loves my sisters. Still shy around dad, but asks for him always. "gram" is now "amma" not sure where she created that one.