CD5

I went in for my u/s and hcg this morning. All is good, so I start clomid today, 5-9 100mg, Dan will be on Doxy. Soo likely around February 10th would be the IUI date, putting me at a 11.4.11 Due Date. Oooo so close to 11.11.11.

Bryn and I have the sniffles, my nose is a faucet. We both cant stop sneezing. I take it as a good omen...I was fighting a cold when I conceived Brynlee :)

The sermon on sunday was especially good for me to hear. It was a reminder that our automatic reaction is do do do. What can we DO to be better christians, what can we pray for, what do we need to change or seek out. But instead we should receive Him and receive His grace, and mercy , and REST.  I loved that. And if we rest, we'll be more able to listen to what He wants to tell us. That's sorta been my attitude this time around, I'm just going to rest in him. Afterall, my favorite scripture is " be still and know that I am God"

IF sisters:

Liz, I'm praying for you. Lets have matching due dates. I pray you find many answers this cycle...
Tab, keep cooking that sweet baby of yours, praying for peace and no anxiousness.
Michelle, praying for your two week wait my friend..

Me and the silver screen

You could say I have a "thing" for movies. I adore them. I watch several a week...so I take awards season very seriously :)
The Oscars are comin up so like every year, I try to see as many nominated films as I can so I can have a legit opinion. I have an Oscar party every year complete with food and oscar ballots and awards.

So far I've seen:

Black Swan
The Fighter
Toy Story 3
The Town
Social Network
Alice In Wonderland
Inception

Still to see:

True Grit
127 hours
Winters Bone
Kings Speech

I have no desire to see Blue Valentine or The Kids are Alright.

Who's up for some movie watchin?? :)

Clomid Plan/IUI

I *usually* take my clomid days 3-7 and ovulate on day 16 or 17. But for this cycle, I'm doing days 5-9. I did this for my May cycle that I got pregnant with. I go in on Monday for the ultrasound and pregnancy test and will start clomid then. That'd put me at a Valentines Day IUI. So I'll get knocked up on Valentines Day without sex! Go figure.

I'm also starting 50,000 of Vitamin D once a week, I'm encouraged by this.

AND I have my sleep study next week, but the results wont be back for 2 weeks after that.

I'm going to be playing zumba on my ps3 on the nights I'm not walking/jogging. I used to Zumba every week and lost weight from it, but I dont have a gym right now. Supposedly this game makes you sweat, so i'm up for it.

I'm going to be laid back about this IUI. It'd be easy, so easy for me to stress out, due to the fact that if this doesnt work, we wait til JUNE. But God has been speaking very clearly to me lately and I'm at peace with it. ( i've come along way ) We serve a Holy and Just God. He is mighty. I'm guilty of treating him like a buddy or best friend, when I need to be reminded that he is powerful, He's BIG, and is a KING, and is worthy of our praise, through the good, the bad and the ugly.

CD1 ( 1.27.11)

last night at 11pm she arrived with a vengeance.  Clomid here we come

Reminder that this is my ministry

I've talked about this before...Music used to be ( and still is a part ) my main ministry. I lead worship for years and years. It's how people "knew me." Then Infertility hit, and my focus went to that. I realized it was a ministry, 5 years ago when I joined an online forum on the nest for IF.
Today I was reminded again, of how this is so.
The topic came up reguarding God and IF. How could God take our babies, How this, how that...and so far, like 6 people responded. Every single person has denounced God, thrown an "eff you" sort of attitude out there. I get it. I was there, it was brief, but I was there.  These women truly believe God is punishing them and taking their babies. How sad is that. But how ironic, that I asked all these questions weeks ago. They all said, "i thought God didnt give us more than we can handle? "

My Response:

God is not taking your babies....He does not punish.

There is no verse in the Bible that says he wont give us what we cant handle, it's a paraphrase.  :Corinthians 10:13 which states that when we are tempted, God will not allow us to be tempted beyond our ability to endure, but with the temptation will provide a way out (exodus)

Having said that, after this last miscarriage, my faith was in question. But I also know that THAT is where God wanted me then. I was really trying to listen to what the heck he was trying to tell me, if anything. I've turned infertility into an idol. It controls my life. This does not glorify the Lord. 

I find peace in knowing that His plan is better than mine, even though it sucks for me right now, I have to have faith that His Path for me is much more mighty and beyond anything I can grasp.

 HE will forgive me ( and you ) for throwing our fists up to the heavens when we hurt. HE knows it's what we need to do, we're human. But HE also waits and waits for us to come "back" to Him. That's when HE does HIS best work on me.

Sleep Apnea and Miscarriages

I saw my new nurse practitioner a couple weeks ago. I asked her to put me on Ambien, because I dont sleep well at all. I talked to her about my miscarriages and infertility as well. She immediately signed me up for a sleep study consultation. She said, You wont hold a baby if you are not sleeping and getting proper oxygen. This was somethin I hadnt heard, but it does make sense.
I went to my consult today, ready to tell him I do not have sleep apnea, i dont snore, i dont have trouble breathing, no aches etc, I JUST CANNOT SHUT MY MIND OFF.But he didnt think that's the only thing. I found out I have a deviated septum and a small airway in my throat. He's calling it obstructive sleep apnea. Now nothin is for sure til I actually DO the sleep study, hopefully soon.
My dad has sleep apnea. He got his mask and machine a month ago, and is now sleeping through the night for the first time in over 10 years. I hate the idea of a mask, but I will do whatever it takes to get me rested, healthy and out of this funk. But most importantly, hold a baby.

This article is one that caught my attention : http://doctorstevenpark.com/miscarriages-heart-disease-from-sleep-apnea

Not Pregnant

Why I even entertained the thought that I might just be pregnant on my own? I do not know. Torture. The only positive thing is that my laundry room sink is the cleanest it's ever been, thanks to my frustration. I had to take it out on somethin.

Where's my cycle day 1?

Cramping Cramping Cramping. No sign of my period. Technically I'm "late" but since I miscarried on Dec 23, I have no clue when to expect my period. Care to weigh in?

 I cannot stop eating sugar. This is NOT like me. I am a salt person. I hate it.

Did I mention how horrid my cramps are?? Oh my. It's 9am and I havent moved from the couch in 2 hours. I gotta be in Kirkland at 2. Long day ahead.

So I have this quirky "thing" that I've had for YEARS. My sister Suz has it every so often as well. We call it our premonitions :)

I will get a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen, like someone is going to die. Now it's not like I can pinpoint a person, but I've come close. I've "felt" death for one of 3 people....only 1 of them was elderly. I get a lot of messages in my dreams. I dream A LOT. I hate it actually. It's not all death, sometimes it's just bad events. It's kind of disturbing and I'm not sure why this happens. Sad thing is, it's due for another bad episode. I need to write out the timeline to see if I'm consistant in my thoughts...

The other weird thing that happens ( and some people may say it's coincidence) is I'll think a thought and it's voiced immediately after by someone else. For instance, this happens every day to me, I'll be thinking of a REALLY random word, and a person on tv will say it. It throws me everytime. This morning, I was thinking of the word fairytale, and not 5 seconds later, I saw it on the tv. One that makes me laugh is, I was listening to an Incubus song, and he sings the word " rollercoaster" and at that instant, I drove past a road called "rollercoaster."
This happens multiple times a day.

Now if only i could channel this.....;)

Last few cycles

Aug 21 ( one month after d&e )
Sept 19
Oct 19
Nov 18
Dec m/c

So today is January 19th. I've been cramping all week waiting for my period to begin. This cycle will be hard to predict due to December...lets see if I can be consistant again.

IUI's and stuff

I have a lump in my throat typing this but for some reason I'm at peace with it?
If this February IUI doesnt stick, we'll be waiting til JUNE to do another one. Why the big gap?
Money is a biggie...we'll have to do some serious saving, and with Dan going on a missions trip ( which is now Africa, for 2 weeks ) our focus/energy will be on that. And I may be criticized for this, but with the way my cycles are going, I'd literally be due 2 days before Thanksgiving and Christmas. As it is, January 4th, Bryn's birthday is soooo hard to focus on right after christmas. Does that sound bad or what?
In the meantime, we are focusing on this February IUI.  I'm still waiting for my cycle to start ( in the next week ) so we can get this show on the road.

Knowing that God is aware of our pain may be a comfort to some, but what good is it that God knows if He does not act? The greatest consolation is that not only does He acknowledge our loss; He somehow acts upon our pain.
I turned from the Lord with this last miscarriage. I seemed to forget that He was going through the pain with me. But in the past 2 weeks I've turned my eyes back to Him.
He did promise, He will never leave me.
I'm healing faster, and I'm stronger than I thought.
Please, girlfriends, pray for IUI #3, as it'll come in February.

Whine.

So besides my interior decorating gigs, and doula clients, I am busy with wedding coordinating. Every so often I will do one for free.

But in my experiences, it's the free ones that always stress me out the worst. And as a coordinator you have to be the Ogar sometimes to get the job done, which is never fun. I'm often underappreciated. I'm educating them on etiquette half the time. Tonight I had a rehearsal and I felt so underappreciated and I had a number of things questioned by people who arent involved in the wedding, and I was just done. To top it off I wasnt invited to the rehearsal dinner because they "forgot"

I realize I signed up for this out of the kindness of my heart,( free ) but right about now I need to be acknowledged and I'm trying to just get this done and move on. I turned down an $800 commission wedding to do this. Sigh.

So last night I was able to finally spend some time with my dear Alicia. She's a great woman of faith that I deeply admire. She's got the gift of words and was a great encouragement and I got a kick in the pants a bit, which I needed.
I have GOT to work on knowing that God's plan is better than mine and I have to pray have to find peace in that. I also MUST work on this:

Will I be able to go on praising God, keeping the faith, and living my life according to God's promises even IF I miscarry again? or Even IF I cannot get pregnant?

This is a very very difficult question for me.

So everyday outloud, I have to speak out the fact that I DO want to trust Him and have faith that HE knows what's best for my life. It's a daily, almost minute to minute struggle, that I'm sure others struggle with too.

In the meantime, I was worried sick this week. Our mortgage had to be taken out today, because of the holidays everything is screwed up. Our mortgage took out of our account only 9 days ago. Problem is? Technically we dont get paid til Monday. So I was so sick about it, having to transfer the money from savings and penny pinch til Monday ( AND I do not have food in the house ) Mind you it's a BIG weekend, sisters and husbands birthdays.

So to my surprise, my jaw dropped and for whatever reason we were paid 3 days early. Right when we needed it. It's almost as if God is saying "my timing is best afterall" sorta deal. It's the miracle I needed today.

3 yr old stuff

What my 3 yr old is learning/doing currently:

She's understanding the abc song, and gettin through it
She can count to 10 ( if she focuses...otherwise she likes 2,1,6 for some reason )
She can ride a big girl bike (16")
She is officially potty trained ( one week of no bed wetting at night! )
She warms up to guys a lot quicker. Very much a flirt.
She's very affectionate and has a soft heart
She gets adult humor
She's got rhythm
She loves soups, it's the best way for her to get veggies
She can identify letters and say their sounds
She knows landmarks and routes we go to places
She HAS to be hugged, kissed, read a book,nightlight on, fan on, socks on, sang to and prayed for before bed. MUST.
She gets VERY upset when we do not hug AND kiss eachother before Dan leaves for work
Loves to draw, color and paint.

that's all i got right now

January 4, 2008

at 9am, on the dot, I was induced at St. Francis Hospital via pitocin and cytotec every 2 hours. I was only dilated to a 3. I labored for 7 hours then finally got an epidural. They wanted me to rest around 7pm so my whole family went to Olive Garden for dinner ( it's only a couple miles away ) and Dan went to the cafeteria. I couldnt rest, the nurses were in and out, it annoyed me. At 8pm I reached down, out of curiosity and felt her head. I kinda freaked and called everyone in. They drove over from dinner just in time for pushing. I felt the pain and it felt so good to push. 20 minutes of pushing and she was out. at 9pm on the dot. EXACTLY 12 hours later. It flew by. My whole family was there to celebrate and cry with us. She was 7lbs 13oz ( they estimated 10lbs ya right ) That day is such a joyous memory for me. It was so FUN. Yes Fun.

Happy Birthday My Brynlee Reece.

January 3, 2008

3 years ago, at this time, I was in horrid pain. I was having back labor( was overdue by 3 days ). The acupuncture had dilated me a bit more, but nothing major. I had tried everything, baths, dancing, yoga ball, walking, rocking, ANYTHING to get her head off of my tailbone. Later in the evening I called my mom and Sayle down to help me out. They pushed HARD with their feet ( up against the sofa ) on my tailbone to make her move. At 1:30am she finally moved a bit, to give me some relief and to sleep. Afterall, I was going to be induced 9am on the dot.....to be continued..

1.1.11

Day 1 of the new year and I wake up to a loud sound, realizing someone hit Dan's car. Lovely.
Luckily she was a sweet older woman who gave all her info. I almost feel bad for getting a quote.

Anyways, I'm eager and motivated to lose 10lbs this month. It will be hard because I'll be starting my hormones at the end of the month, AND it's friggin cold out, so walking has been a challenge. However, this is day 3 of eating grape nuts in the morning, which is a big deal for this girl. I do not eat breakfast....which we all know now, is a no no. I went to Mazatlan to eat yesterday, and I fought the urge to get enchiladas, instead getting a low fat taco. I just gotta work in the slow casual changes with the food so I dont go into shock. Because I love food. Obviously.

Thursday, I went to dinner with my friend Michelle, who's been a great support to me and I've so enjoyed getting to know her via email and texts. I literally told my husband, "see you in like an hour and a half "...ya right. It was a 5 hour dinner. FIVE. So much to talk about, and I tell ya it was much needed for me. And I didnt cry! *pats self on back *

Tomorrow we're doin a little family birthday for Bryn. We'll do a pizza bar for homemade pizzas and enjoy this cold sunshine we're havin.