White Flag.

I had to take a shower so that I could quietly sob this morning without Bryn and Dan hearing me.
I had hope this cycle.
Everyone knows that God's plan is best, but I just cannot understand why He doesnt want me to be pregnant again.
He has spoken loud and clear. We had so many obstacles and road blocks this cycle, that He allowed.
I have a huge lump in my throat and a hole in my heart.
Infertility has proven to be an unconquerable beast for us.
So I am waiving the white flag.

11dpiui

bfn

10dpiui

Dude! How sad is this? One of my RE's died! ( pneumonia ) It's going to drastically change how the clinic works..I'm so sad for them! A tremendous loss no doubt. Such a sweet sweet truly caring man.

My pinkeye is still hangin on. I'm on 2 different drops for them. I'm such a wuss when it comes to eye drops, so this isnt fun for me.

6 years ago I married Dan. How time goes by. I'm proud of what we've accomplished and learned in 6 years :)

Congrats to Cori on her BFP! Thrilled to see another gal defeat infertility.

Have a good weekend all! Weddings, BBQs, Bridal Showers, Graduation Parties for me!

Pinkeye?!

I'm so irritated. I had my eyelashes tinted on Tuesday, and right after my left eye started stinging so the gal put eyedrops in it. It was blurry through the day. Yesterday it started to get painful, and so red.I've never ever had any eye issues. Ever. The shower helped temporarily last night, but today it's painful, red, itchy, and draining. I'm so pissed. Today is the day Dan and I spend in Seattle for all day and evening and I'm distracted. Gah.

6dpiui and lots goin on

I'm 6 days past my 2nd IUI. I had a good amount of pain/cramping that  made me bend over and take a breath a few times tonight. So bloated I cant suck it in. I'm praying it's implantation.
This 2ww is so different than all my others because I'm busy and distracted. I had 3 friends ask me when I'm testing, and I simply said I dont know.For the first time I had to look at the calendar tonight to see what dpiui I was.

George was here for the week, which was great, and kept me busy. We are also getting hens/chicken coop this saturday so we've been prepping the yard and space for this. I'm really excited for this.

My nana is in the hospital, 3rd time in the last few months. She has severe c-diff ( her white blood cell count was 64,000 ), has lost 25lbs, dimensia, onset Alzheimers, 90years old, has fallen twice and I feel her time is near...and although its so sad, I'm at incredible peace about it. She needs to be with her husband and son in heaven. 

We're goin camping in less than 3 weeks which I am SO stoked on, I got a whiff of campfire today and a citronella candle and it got me in the mood.

Bryn is now farting on me. She says "mom I'm gonna "bart" on you" and backs her lil toosh up to me and farts. My initial instinct is to say knock it off, but it is so freaking funny that I cant help but laugh. She was also asking for something in the cabinet tonight, saying I want some "hopscotch"...come to find out it was butterscotch chips. She also asks me every single day, is it school time yet? My child is so ready. I am not. Everyone says she's Dan's twin, but when she laughs and scrunches her nose, she is without a doubt, my kid.

3dpiui

My lady lumps feel like they weigh 10lbs each.

IUI#4 part deuce

 I arrived at 10:30, but didnt get in til 11, which was frustrating, but oh well. My regular nurse greeted me with a smile and took me back to the tiny room. She laid down the sheet of paper that has all of the sperm's facts for today. Today we had 6-8 million after wash to work with. That's kinda what I expected. The shocking part was he had 220 MILLION prewash, which is excellent. But only 6-8 million survive the wash. Many were said to be slower and swimming in circles, which is consistant with Dan's current diagnosis. The iui was painless this time and I laid there on the table for 25 minutes afterwards. So i gotta look at it as I have 16 million total sperm, and 3 eggs.
This has taken a very large toll on my husband. Men are funny that way, it's such a hit to his ego. Even though it's not his fault at all. He's havin a hard time with it, so I'm trying to be the positive look forward everything will be ok wife, even though inside I'm a ticking time bomb. You know me. The "strong" one.
I will go back in Thurday for another frickin ultrasound ( cha ching ) to make sure I'm not overstimming.  After that I'll stop blogging during my 2 week wait and even after I test. I'll get back on once i have betas. Truth is, I dont know how many people read this blog, I'm always shocked at people coming out of the woodwork to say hey I've been reading..
Anyways, keep up the prayer work. I really do remember you in my praises, thanking the Lord for putting you lovely people in my life.If this thing works, I might just have to throw a mighty bash, thanking everyone for their support and love.
I have this pressure on myself to be very careful how I act and what I say after every cycle. People are looking to see how I react to difficult news, and I have to remember that, especially for the unsaved people who are struggling themselves. Its a daily thing, where I have to remind myself to praise him through the storm.

Iui#4 part one

Well not a lot of good news to report. I went to my iui alone, which I've never done. Dan had his urology appt at the same time. My usual nurse didn't do the iui, and this other nurse had a real hard time getting to my cervix. This iui was not comfortable, I was wincing the whole time. My cervix is really hard to get to. We only had 8 million sperm. Minutes later Dan texted me and said they suspect varicocele on him. He has an ultrasound on Thursday. This puts even more pressure on this cycle because we would have to take several months off due to meds for him and possible surgery depending on severity. I've had a 30 hour headache and this adds to my anxiety. The hope I'm holding onto is that last may I got pregnant on5 million sperm.

Tomorrow at 10:30 I will have another iui, which will hopefully up our chances of more sperm.

Estrogen is 525, follies 14.5 and 17.5 and 18.5. Because of my history of missed ovulation they want me to trigger at midnight. I'll start baby aspirin and estrogen tomorrow, and I will be doin two iuis this time. Tomorrow and Tuesday. Pray dans numbers are great please!! He's got his own doc appt tomorrow too so we are hoping for answers. I'm nervous excited..

Here's a novel for ya

Today has been such an emotional day.
9am I go in for my ultrasound and blood draw..and there are 3 follies, but 2 dominant now ( 13.5 and 14 )..so i will continue another 150iu for 2 days ( had to get MORE meds ) But Praise God I still have 2 good lookin eggs.
I then admit to my nurse that Dan has been having severe pain in his manhood for weeks now. He has a urology appt on Monday. It's scary, and because of his line of work, he knows it can only be a couple of things. My nurses eyes got big and said he has to come in immediately. So first thing in the morning he'll have an analysis done. Because who knows what his counts are if he's in pain, then we are lookin at real trouble. So I'm all upset because she's upset, and that appt is, once again, not covered by insurance.
SO I left with anxiety. Rushed to court to fight a stupid red light ticket, ran home, picked up Bryn and headed to my moms. On the way I get a phone call from the financial gal at Gyft, who i do not care for, and she has alerted me that Dan cannot be seen tomorrow because his account has gone to collections. Um, wha? Never had a warning, furthermore, Dan has a seperate account?! This was honestly news to me. I argued with her for a few minutes because the frustrating part is they tell me one thing but bill me another. So I can NEVER plan thoroughly for money per cycle. This cycle has been bomb after bomb with money. I'm sorry to complain about it so much, but it really has blindsided me, all the extra costs this time that I was not warned about.We do not own credit cards, so everything is cash. On. The. Spot. So you understand why I'm uptight. I've been grinding my teeth all day.

After this cycle, I'm done.( unless by some miracle another clinic is drastically cheaper ) I know I've said otherwise at times, but I cannot handle another cycle like this..and frankly we'll be broke after this! It's too taxing on us emotionally, physically and financially. It's takin a heavy heavy toll. Thankfully our marriage is strong and can take it :)

So to go out guns a blazin, we are doing 2 iuis. Back to back. Well, that's the plan. If something is seriously wrong with Dan, then obviously we'll have to cancel the cycle or who knows. So lets pray that all is well with him.

The good news out of this appt was that my estrogen is 284, up from 118.

I love her. Brynlee is 3 1/2

Not so good news?

3 follicles, cd10, sizes 8.5, 10, 11.5 ( which normally would be good  at this point) All on one ovary

cd8 e2 was 82

cd10 ( today) was 118...booo.

I'm bumping my follistim from 75 to 150 for the next 3 days...next u/s is friday.

I'm freaking out, this means only 1, maybe 2 of those follies are growing.

I know those numbers mean nothing to most of you..a follicle is ideal at sizes 18-22mm for our iuis. So I have a lot of growing to do. But i've always been a slow grower.

Pray hard, Plead with me, Beg the Lord to give me atleast 2 follicles. and most of all, that this works no matter what. I cant think about cancelling a cycle after the physical and financial impact this has put on me.

Follie check 1

Back from ultrasound number one. 13 total follicles, 3 to 4 we are watching....meaning they are between 8 and 10.5 mm. Waiting til this afternoon for e2 results which will determine if I keep the shots up or skip tomorrows ultrasound which is what I hope. Pray for those 3-4 follies to grow healthy and big, fast! Thanks..will update later..

Update: e2 is 82...us again wednesday, continuing follistim 75 iu

Back from appt

SHG is clear, thanks for the prayers. It was uncomfortable but frankly I'm used to having a speculum up my hoohaw....it was the filling of the uterus with saline that made me cramp. We wont know for weeks if it's covered, i'm having my doubts though.

K. I'll shut up til next Monday. Off to enjoy the sun.

Day 2 Follistim Shots

The shots are easy. I did choose to put them in my thighs to start and may end with stomach. ( 75iu at 5:30 every night )
Side effects I've noticed I get a bit of a hazey feeling, and what feels like the beginning of a headache, but it amounts to nothing. The biggest part is I go to bed with my butt muscles on fire. Kinda weird. But cant complain too bad.

Tomorrow is my SHG. I'm not expecting to see anything unusual. ( but please pray that insurance covers it )

PS. Bryn's newest sentences she says all the time : mmm that's wishous momma ( delicious ) AND No, sorry, I'm busy.

The Plan.

I'm spent. Literally. I'm so tired of spending money. 

We had a very very unnecessary appt with another doc at our clinic today to go over the risks and directs for Stims, even though I had already been educated about it, but they insisted. Mind you, I had already gone in at 9am this morning and had to drive back at 1pm with Dan ( whom I had to wake up 3 hours early ) So lots of driving today. He went over the risks, OHSS, Multiples, Ectopic, Ovarian Twisting etc. Stuff I've known. He told me things that my nurses told me this morning. Like it REALLY was a waste of our time. I had to pay $200 for that 15 minute meeting. So frustrating.

I have to go back to him on Friday for an SHG. I dont know if it's covered by insurance yet, if it's not, it's $506 on the spot. They couldnt do it today because i'm still in the thick of my AF.

Dan and I left and I told him I feel like this is it. I know the other day I said I'd do everything in my power blah blah, but when you're in the thick of it, like we are, I am emotionally drained. It is SUCH a rollercoaster, and I havent even started my meds ( will tonight ) I nearly lost it when the doc asked how many pregnancies have you had and how many births?

I carry immense guilt because Dan has to pick up overtime shifts in order for us to pay for these out of pocket. I expressed this to him and he smirked and told me I have to stop thinking that way, that its nothing for him to do that. He really is selfless. When I said after this I think I'm done, he asked, Done Done? Or just done with the clinic? I dont have an answer right now. I'm trying to stay in the present.

This cycle will near $2,000. It scared me because this doc said if you're going to do 2 of these you should look at ivf, due to money and the chances are so much greater.

It's all scary and overwhelming and I want to crawl in a hole. But instead I'll be giving myself a shot in the stomach at 5:30. 

The Lord likes it when we pray for specifics, so to whomever is reading this, this is our prayer:

1. THAT I REACT WELL TO THE MEDS WITHOUT OVERSTIMULATING ( very important, we cant have more than 5 follicles )

2. THAT MY SHG WILL BE CLEAR ( No polyps, cysts or evidence of a d&c)

3. THAT THE MONEY WILL SHOW UP

4. THAT I WILL CARRY A HEALTHY BABY

Lord help us